Dear Universe, it may take me a bit to figure things out but I continue to grow. Thank you!❤️

To the mother of his children,

I have been wanting to reach out and drop you a quick note, Mom to Mom. Although a bit hesitant about how, I hope contacting you today through our common grounds is okay.

I know I have only met you a couple of times, yet through spending time with your girls, I feel like I know you. They speak of you often and love you incredibly. I think your girls are great. They are loving, funny and kind, individually unique, yet normal. I’m sure you are very proud of each of them and so you should be. I think you and #%!? are both doing the best you can, putting their needs first. I want you to know that I support you both in your parenting decisions, I do get it and I’m on your side. Parenting is tough, staying on the same page with your ex can be tougher. Sharing time, dividing holidays, making it to concerts, birthdays, soccer games, figuring out schedules, class trips…completely exhausting, yet so rewarding! I am happy that it is important to both of you to be a part of their everything and to be their united support system.

I’m new to this, and actually had never considered what it would be like to have more kids in my life. As I’m sure you are aware, I have been blessed with 2 of my own plus a few others. To be honest, the thought of 3 more considerably younger kids scared me at first, but after getting to know them, I couldn’t imagine my life now without them in it. A co-parenting relationship is very different than what I have been exposed to (unfortunately for my kids), it’s a learning curve for everyone, but I can see how much your girls benefit from it and want you to know I whole heartedly support it. I know it’s probably been a little tough having someone else around your kids, but know I never want you to feel threatened or uncomfortable with the relationships I build with them, I am not their mother and don’t wish to be. As much as I love them, I am careful and will continue to be careful not to overstep my boundaries. I am simply someone who cares for them, because I care for their Dad. 

I am only a small part of their world. You are their caregiver, guide, and example. You are their lifeline, their planner, and the one who tucks them in at night. They are little pieces of you. Even when it is not your night or weekend, you are very much a part of their moments. 

Lastly, I just want to say thank-you for sacrificing some things to give your girls a life with both parents taking part. And thank-you for letting me be a small slice of their big world.

Happy Weekend!

Sincerely, 

Me

Update: Her response to my letter and her openness to having me in her girls lives has not only warmed my heart but is allowing me to trust the process. 

Saying I love you is the most important thing, isn’t it?

I spent many years ‘in love’ with my ex, as mentioned previously, day after day, putting one foot in front of the other, doing all the things I thought people in good relationships did. Cared for the kids, kept a tidy house, cooked,  went to family gatherings and always said IT, even if we didn’t feel IT, it was important to say at the end of each phone call, before we each left the house and of course special occasions. I actually believed that people wanted what I had. There was one time about 13 years ago when I was with my coworkers on break and we were talking about switching lives with each other and someone beside me said they wanted to trade places with my friend (who was single), and I was shocked….I said out loud, ‘Her? You wanna switch with her?’ and even though it sounded rude, that’s not how I meant it, it’s actually what I was thinking (out loud)…I remember sitting there thinking about that and feeling shocked that no one wanted to switch lives with me and continued to think about that moment for years. It was a somewhat pivotal moment, although it didn’t actually change anything, I just began to think about things a lot more. What I thought was happiness, others didn’t. What I thought was love, wasn’t. I look back and am thankful for that moment. I needed to know that what I had wasn’t at all desirable. 

Love is an action…now I get it.

Love is bigger than you are. You can let it in but cannot determine how, when or where it happens. Love isn’t a substance.

Who would have thought that my nothing more, nothing less valentines date (over a year ago) with an old acquaintance from elementary school, who I attempted to friend zone on the way home would have quickly turned into my fuck yes. He has been the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. He continues to surprise me with his thoughtfulness and on top of that and more importantly has become one my best friends. He makes my belly ache from laughing, he tells me it’s going to be okay, he stands beside me regardless of the choices I make, and he understands that I need time with decisions. I fell in love with him quickly and deeply. I love him hard and I choose him every day. During this past year we have grown both individually and as a couple. Learning about ourselves and each other, sometimes through each other’s eyes. We have exposed our raw unedited versions of ourselves and are continuing to learn how to communicate our thoughts and feelings. Fuck, it hasn’t always been easy, but again I can say that through the tough conversations and a few hurt feelings we have grown closer and our love is bigger than we are. Although we have both felt hurt, it has never been intentional. We have taught each other how we want to be treated and continue to. We both can easily find reasons in each day to smile and we are both accepting and thankful for the rough roads and lessons behind us and look forward to what lies ahead. Life is good. Life is great. Even with the struggles. Love isn’t a substance….it’s all the feels. The feelings that you share with everyone, like the smile on your face. The feelings that no one can see, like the butterflies in your stomach and heart. The freakin’ excitement. Feeling each other’s pain. It’s looking forward to the days together and looking forward more to the nights snuggled up in each other’s spaces.

Why would I even want to?

I believe I’m a mature individual, but dammit I don’t feel like I am when it comes to my boyfriend and his ex’s co-parenting relationship. I am struggling.

Logically, I think to myself they are no longer together for many reasons, they had plenty of opportunity to resolve things and that didn’t happen successfully so they have each moved on. He treats me well and I feel like I come second to his kids, I am very comfortable with that. Him and his ex don’t hang out or go out together without the kids being involved, they are co-parenting that’s exactly why they communicate so much. Lastly, this is the type of man I want beside me in life, cause I wouldn’t date someone that didn’t know how to put his kids first! It all makes perfect sense. So what’s my deal?

The irrational side of me says they text and talk too much….truth is I don’t even know what that means. I couldn’t tell you if it’s 3x’s a day one word each time or 50x’s a day in full paragraphs. Is it solely about the kids? Is there really that much to discuss? I don’t know how it works and what is said and a part of me really doesn’t want to know. I have brought this up and he has asked what I want/need from him to make me feel better and I can’t seem to figure that out, so how could I expect him to? At the funeral of his father I watched as they both sat with their three kids at a table eating sandwiches just as their girls had requested. I remember thinking then, well this is weird and having weird feelings. It went along with his ex being borderline rude and standoffish with me, which I guess is understandable cause that was our first interaction. Was this jealousy I was feeling? Was this just the feeling of something new and different? I wanted to be okay with it and I just wanted to be present and supportive of my boyfriend cause this soooo wasn’t about me, but I am human and it just sat somewhere within me. He thanked me for being so good about it, little did he know I harboured these feelings….ugh. Your welcome? Fuck me. 

History is important…

Yes!! I have trust issues. I spent 20 years with a guy who was never truthful or honest about anything. I always knew things were happening behind my back, but I would never put myself in a situation where I might see it cause that would mean I’d have to do something about it (denial rocks!) It ended up being easier (in some weird way) to close my eyes and create my own happiness and not break my family up. This lasted 20 years. Unfaithful, selfish, unreliable and uninvolved father to his kids and to me. Until the day I accidentally heard it with my own ears and saw it with my own eyes, that was the day my life changed. It was over. It was irreparable. I couldn’t unhear or unsee it. 3 years later I can still remember how that made me feel. He broke me. After that I rebuilt myself, regained some confidence, trusted my gut, and left the past in the past. I would never look back. He remains the unreliable, selfish, uninvolved father which explains why we have little to no communication. I have asked for minimal support in hopes he would step up in other ways. This hasn’t happened. My kids have been ripped off royally. In turn my new relationship has had zero impact due to my ex and our lack of a relationship.

Just my mind….

Why don’t I want to see the girls mom attend everything? Why don’t I want to combine as one big happy family? Why do I think co-parenting is sometimes a good excuse for the parents needs not the kids? Am in need of validation? Do I need to be more patient and more understanding? Maybe my last relationship has scared me? Is this jealously? Would I feel differently about it if my ex and I had to have any sort of relationship? Will I ever feel comfortable? Am I being fair? What if I was invited and didn’t like what I saw? What then? Is this simply a learning curve? Does this just take time? How long will this last? How the fuck do I do this? And why would I even want to try? 

I have always said, they need to figure out their boundaries and relationship and then I get to figure out if it works for me. I can only control what I do and how I act. I don’t have to do this, so why would I even want to?

I only fucking love him with my whole heart. And he’s only the best thing to have happened to me. And we always come out the other side stronger…

I deserve this.

It took a while to realize that I deserve this. I had spent the better part of 20 years thinking maybe my expectations were too high and that maybe I deserved exactly what I had (or didn’t have), making everything okay. On paper things were not bad, I had 2 healthy and loving boys that adored me, a roof over our heads, a job that paid the bills, family that I saw on holidays, friends that loved me and were around every corner waiting to get together. The boys and I did what we wanted mostly. At the end of the day I even had a boyfriend that would tell me he loved me. Some would agree that was enough. I remember nights laying in bed wondering why I felt so lonely. A terrible feeling. Someone that was sometimes physically there but never present. Somehow I was lonelier with him. After a while I learned how to be brave and to smile when it hurt. I got so good at it and it worked for years. I just didn’t want to know or hear it anymore, so I stopped asking questions and told myself what I needed to, to sleep at night. Some thought I was a fool. I simply call it survival. 

The day he left was the day I began to grow. I went on dates and started to face my insecurities head on. I made a bucket list of things I wanted, some pretty big ticket items and some simple and achievable, I am happy to say almost 3 years later, I have nailed it. Gaining so much more than a completed bucket list and a dating blog. In the beginning I hoped to simply scratch things off and in the end I realize that I embraced it all and became so grateful for my journey. Who knew letting go would end up being so rewarding. I learned how to forgive myself and others. I learned how to walk away. I did the uncomfortable. I learned how to push through. I started to eat confidence for breakfast. I not only began to love myself but I began to like myself too. I celebrated my life.

My life is exactly how it is suppose to be right now. I am a better me today than I was yesterday and I’ll be even better tomorrow. My life is different. Fulfilling. Better than I have ever imagined it could be. AND on paper things are not bad, I still have 2 healthy and loving young men that adore me, a roof over our heads, a job that pays the bills, family that I see more often than holidays, friends that love me and are still around every corner waiting to get together. The boys and I still do what we want mostly. At the end of the day I even have a boyfriend that not only tells me he loves me he SHOWS me he loves me. He doesn’t make me happy he adds to my already happy life! He fills me up every single day. He is someone that wants to spend his time with me. 

I deserve to trust the love I receive. 

I deserve to get the love I give.

I actually deserve this.

My big fat Italian funeral part 4: the unplanned aftermath

  
It seems as though beach guy has a hurt feeling. It’s tough not to take his lashing out at me personally cause I believe he is intentionally saying things to simply hurt my feelings and I hate to admit to it, but it worked. I thought that was a thing we outgrew in our 20’s.

First off, up until this past Monday (3 weeks after the split) he wanted to meet for a friendly lunch, I had declined as I am good at the drawing healthy lines thing. Yesterday he messaged me a ho-hum type of message telling me to enjoy the holidays and my upcoming trip. I responded back with a cheery message thanking him and wishing him all the best of everything.

Last night, after he had a few drinks he started sending me messages about how I’m focused on crossing things off in life and it should be about getting there and loving it. Funny thing is I am one of the most positive people I know, thankful for everything these days. Enjoying my journey is what my life has been about the last year or so and I’m actually really loving life. Anyways he made some comments about what ever helps me sleep at night, and something about how he tossed me on a mountain and I was there as long as I was getting what I needed, then when things got tough, I ran. Something about he loved me and trusted me, but then he learned. All of these things I took very personally, how couldn’t I? My only intention all the way through was to find a healthy relationship for two people. I just wanted to find someone that would treat me like I would treat them and have some things in common, a good old fuck ya connection. In the end, I wasn’t bitter I learned and was thankful. We talked for weeks after, nothing but nice things to each other until last night. I did respond with a recap of the version I had remembered (you know him pushing me away and telling me to run and trade him in) and then I apologized for the way he was feeling. He came back one last time about how he passed his exam, he is the owner of a million dollar company and he doesn’t care about it. He loved and respected me as a person but the truth shows and apparently it was too much pressure on me. By the way him telling me he loved me twice during drunk texts is the very first times he has ever mentioned the L word to me. 

I am even more confident in the break-up. 

But why did I let this get the better of me today? 

Learning to love my Edges: A letter to me

 

All of my imperfections and quirks are the things that make me unique and kickass. Accepting myself and my faults is a tough job, but mandatory in my life journey.
I need to understand and remember my worth, the first step to falling in love with myself is understanding what I am and am not willing to compromise on. Never abandoning myself in the effort to keep someone or something. I need to not regret anything. Mistakes are inevitable in a life worth living. As long as I continue to learn from them, mistakes are important. Mistakes will teach me who I do and do not want to be. It’s apart of my growth. I need to look into the mirror everyday and instead of seeing all the things that could be improved upon, I need to instead look back and see how far I’ve come and what I now have to offer. I need to choose to be brave when stepping out into the world. I need to continue to face my fears challenge myself and push my limits. I need to remember that I am doing the best I can every day. Somedays it’s easier than others and somedays it’s damn near impossible. Whether I am just able to put one foot in front of the other (functioning through the day) or killing everything in sight like a badass…the important part is that I am moving forward. I am human and I own my happiness. It’s my choice every single day. 

I’m not broken, sometimes I’m just bent!

My big fat Italian funeral part 3: Little crushed

 

Things were good. I was excited to see him, we made plans to have lunch weekly and spent a few nights together when we could arrange them. After a couple weeks, I met him and his kids for dinner and it went well. They are great kids and he was great with them (both are very important). Turns out they liked me too – yay! This was going to make seeing each other a bit easier now that we’ve met each other’s kids. He came to stay at my house a couple times and I hung out with him and his kids for a day and did normal shopping, bowling, lunch and dinner type of stuff. Then he came to spend a weekend at my house, I was exhausted on the Friday night and as we cuddled I fell asleep on him a few times. We woke up Saturday and he drove home to take his youngest to swimming and I had family pictures. We were apart for a few hours and then he came back to spend the night again. We didn’t have any real plans so I threw a few things out there like, movies, dinner, cards….he just kept saying it was up to me. So finally we went and bought cards and then went out for dinner. We ate until we were stuffed, went back to my house where he passed out cold. I let him sleep since he always had trouble sleeping. I ended up watching movies until 4am, then I woke him up and we actually went to bed. We slept in the next day, he felt awful about falling asleep on me so we got up and played cards, had something to eat and he left. I had a weird feeling as he left, normally I would be wondering when we were going to see each other again, but not this time. This time it was okay that we didn’t have plans – maybe because I had a lot to get done for Christmas etc.

Later that night I text and asked if he had a good night at work, and he never responded. Next day I got into work and had a crazy busy, crappy day full of meetings and work, I didn’t get around to texting him and to be honest was a little put off from him not responding at all the night before. 3pm he texts “hey mon, you alive?”, I respond shortly after with “barely”, he says “ok”. At this point I am even more frustrated. I have never responded with barely in the past or anything close to that. My attitude is mostly cheery and rarely negative. I stopped and thought for a second if I were him what would I do or say?? Simple, I would ask if he was okay, if there was anything I could do, I would have reached out to him. Three and half hours goes by and I’m just leaving work, I hear from him again and it reads “1 text from you in 24hrs is unlike you”, I decided at this point to let it go, maybe I just had a rough day at work and didn’t want to make this a bigger deal. So I told him about my work day and how crappy it was and let it all go. At some point during our texting that night he told me that I should trade him in, making a joke about his back hurting and I should trade him in for a younger model. I went to bed with neither of us saying goodnight. The next day, I text my usual good morning, kill your day type of text and he responded with you too. It was a normal day, nothing special between him or I, just usual blah this and that. Again another night with no one saying goodnight to each other. This week appeared to raise more questions in my head about him as it continued. He mentioned at least 5 times during the week that I should trade him in or that I should run. Not texting good morning or good night. And here I am keeping score, you know there’s issues when you’re keeping track of who’s doing what and when, I don’t like it. By Friday he was complete misery, complaining about his ex, telling me he is in a shit rut and just really grumpy telling me he attracts negative people and am I going to listen to him yet (about running away from him), I was having a really hard time staying positive without letting him get the better of me. I finally responded with, you’ve mentioned this a few times this week and eventually I listen. He replied and said it’s not you, it’s me type of stuff, but also in there he was hinting that we wouldn’t see each other and he just wasn’t in a good spot with anything….I just didn’t even know what to say. So took the weekend to think and I said nothing. He had his boys for the weekend so I let him enjoy that with them. By Sunday night he hadn’t text me once and I hadn’t text him. So I decided, I needed to say something. It was clear to me that I don’t mean what I should to him, if I did he would have asked if everything was okay, he would have reached out at some point. Before I wrote to him, I took some time to reflect on the past month and decided I really do deserve someone that will treat me the way I treat them, someone that thinks about me before they go to bed and thinks about me in the morning. I deserve that. So I text and just said, sorry for not responding all weekend and that I took some time to think and he was right about a bunch of things and in the end it appears that I want more than he can offer me. He came back a few times saying he didn’t mean things that way. But he wasn’t fighting for me either. It was everything at that point. So that was it. They say it takes three months to get to know someone and three months seems to be my new limit. Him and I are still friends and he has tried to make plans to meet me for lunch but I’m really good at drawing healthy lines and sticking to what’s good for me these days. He was a good experience and it was fun at times. I can’t say that it was easy walking away as he was someone to spend time with, someone to text and someone to talk to and make plans with, but it also wasn’t the fuck ya that I’m looking for. A tub of ice cream a couple sad movies – I’m good.

My big fat Italian wedding part 2: the haircut break-up

 
I couldn’t wait to tell beach boy about my date with the bearded man. We exchanged dating stories and he started again asking me to give him another chance. He repeatedly said if he knew that was my first one night stand we would have at least had dinner. He desperately wanted a redo. I said no for 3 weeks….then finally I agreed. We had lunch again. This time it was just the two of us. It was nice. We only had a couple of hours, but we spent it talking and laughing and kissing at every red light. I think I drove an hour to see him next and he made me an amazing dinner and I decided I really liked him. 

The next time I believe he came for the night and rented a hotel room. Within minutes of getting to the hotel room, clothes were off and the date had officially begun. We did manage to have dinner and drinks and went to the fair the next day, but besides all the normal stuff we did IT a lot…in the hotel and the car and couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. It was fun and exactly what I needed. Fun. 

We continued to date and have lunches and spent time cuddling. It’s sounds great right? It was mostly, except I felt like he just wasn’t quite where I was in the life journey part. He spoke about doing things but just didn’t do them. I had been busy training for my first marathon, running in the next month. I sorta felt like here I was crushing the impossible in my life, and for him something as simple as getting his hair cut seemed impossible. He mentioned his ex was a hairdresser so he wanted to go back to her cause there was no one in else really in his town that he trusted to get his hair cut by, I found this odd and told him, but wasn’t opposed to it at all. After a month of get togethers meeting for lunches I decided just before my birthday in October to call it quits. I felt like he was at a stand still and before I started liking him a lot more and wanting more from this than he did, I’d better back off. He had some big ticket items (a house, an insurance exam, job hunting, AND a haircut) that he needed to focus on so I told him we had to part ways and we could remain friends. Guess what?! the very next day he got his damn hair cut! 

For my birthday even though we weren’t together he sent me flowers and chocolates and a bear. And he called me at exactly midnight. He was really sweet to me at times. 

We decided to talk things out and he accused me of having one foot out and kept saying he couldn’t believe that I broke up with him over a haircut. He didn’t understand that was just an example of something small that wasn’t getting done. I really didn’t think me having one foot out was true until I spoke with a couple of my friends about it and they confirmed what he had said. So after thinking about this for a while I decided…..it’s time to shit or get off the pot. We decided just before I ran my marathon (which I crushed btw) to give things another chance and post marathon he was going to drive an hour to have a beer with me and some of my close friends and meet my kids. It all went well.

I had decided to jump in with both feet. Time to take a chance on love. Instead of waiting for him to get his things in order, maybe it’s okay to walk with him on his journey. I believe in loving hard, so that’s exactly what I began to do. 

To be continued…

Dairy J

 

With faith in the process I go back to my app and find a message from another guy I’ve nicknamed Dairy J. I don’t think I’m overly attracted to him but I do want to give this whole dating thing a fair chance besides I do believe you can’t always judge a book by it’s cover. I was also curious to know if I need to have some sort of attraction first or if you can gain that in a first date/meeting. We talked a little back and forth through the site. He had 3 girls, sounded dedicated as he coached their sports, he sounded like he was a hard worker as he helped run his family’s dairy farm and also sounded as though he stayed in shape. We decided to meet at a local coffee shop and again to avoid the weird hello in front of people we met in the parking lot. I knew what he was driving so I parked close to his truck. As he gets out I remember thinking I’m pleasantly surprised, he looks better in person than his online pictures. He was not exactly what I’d call my type, but my type hasn’t worked out in the past so at this point I’m all for changing things up!  We hugged and when I look back I remembered thinking he’s a good hugger. He pulled me in tight, strong yet gentle. We went inside and I ordered a coffee and he ordered a hot chocolate. Although I pulled out money he paid. Conversation was a little rough, I looked at my phone to check the time quite a bit, not a good sign especially because every time I checked it I swore it had to have been later than that. I asked a lot of questions and told some stories to break the silence. One thing that struck me as odd as while I was talking he would be looking at me and his face would slowly scrunch up and eyes were squinted, when I stopped talking his face went back to normal. This appeared to be his listening face. This is a first for me. I did not know this was a thing. I needed to know more so I would talk for a few minutes and right when it was all scrunched up I’d pause and take a drink of my coffee, his face would relax and go back to normal. I tested this 3-4 times to make sure this wasn’t me. The last time I almost burst out laughing and I decided I  could not do this anymore. He was nice, but there really was nothing there. I guzzled back the last of my coffee (it had almost been an hour), and we walked out to our vehicles. He turned and hugged me AND if I could stay with someone just for the hug alone I would have picked him. 

He messaged to make sure I got home safely, I thanked him for the coffee and the rest is history…

The process continues…