Parenting

God grant me the serenity…

I don’t know how to do this.

I don’t know how to let you grow up without walking beside you, holding your hand.

I don’t know how to let you fall without being right there to catch you, kiss you, and make it all better.

I don’t know how to let you make mistakes, take chances and fuck up without being right there to help fix you.

I don’t know how to just stand back and love you.

Deep down, I think you will be okay. I trust that what I have taught you from 0-19 is instilled somewhere within you. I believe you have morals and standards and self-respect buried beneath the entitlement and selfishness that appears at your 19yr old surface. I know you want a life you can be proud of, I know you have goals and dreams and you want to be surrounded with the people that lift you up and support you and that maybe right now your life isn’t about that and just maybe that’s okay. 

As your mom, I just don’t know how to do this part.

Not hearing from you, seeing your face, hugging you. Not knowing what takes your time.

It feels hard. 

Sleepless. Teary. Worried. Scared. Anxious. Empty. Nervous.

And then in some strange way, proud. 

Have fun. Be safe. Go find yourself. Then let me know that you’re okay. Xx

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Dating

I deserve this.

It took a while to realize that I deserve this. I had spent the better part of 20 years thinking maybe my expectations were too high and that maybe I deserved exactly what I had (or didn’t have), making everything okay. On paper things were not bad, I had 2 healthy and loving boys that adored me, a roof over our heads, a job that paid the bills, family that I saw on holidays, friends that loved me and were around every corner waiting to get together. The boys and I did what we wanted mostly. At the end of the day I even had a boyfriend that would tell me he loved me. Some would agree that was enough. I remember nights laying in bed wondering why I felt so lonely. A terrible feeling. Someone that was sometimes physically there but never present. Somehow I was lonelier with him. After a while I learned how to be brave and to smile when it hurt. I got so good at it and it worked for years. I just didn’t want to know or hear it anymore, so I stopped asking questions and told myself what I needed to, to sleep at night. Some thought I was a fool. I simply call it survival. 

The day he left was the day I began to grow. I went on dates and started to face my insecurities head on. I made a bucket list of things I wanted, some pretty big ticket items and some simple and achievable, I am happy to say almost 3 years later, I have nailed it. Gaining so much more than a completed bucket list and a dating blog. In the beginning I hoped to simply scratch things off and in the end I realize that I embraced it all and became so grateful for my journey. Who knew letting go would end up being so rewarding. I learned how to forgive myself and others. I learned how to walk away. I did the uncomfortable. I learned how to push through. I started to eat confidence for breakfast. I not only began to love myself but I began to like myself too. I celebrated my life.

My life is exactly how it is suppose to be right now. I am a better me today than I was yesterday and I’ll be even better tomorrow. My life is different. Fulfilling. Better than I have ever imagined it could be. AND on paper things are not bad, I still have 2 healthy and loving young men that adore me, a roof over our heads, a job that pays the bills, family that I see more often than holidays, friends that love me and are still around every corner waiting to get together. The boys and I still do what we want mostly. At the end of the day I even have a boyfriend that not only tells me he loves me he SHOWS me he loves me. He doesn’t make me happy he adds to my already happy life! He fills me up every single day. He is someone that wants to spend his time with me. 

I deserve to trust the love I receive. 

I deserve to get the love I give.

I actually deserve this.

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