Gawd I’m grateful…

Ever been lucky enough to meet someone that makes you melt from your insides out, someone that makes you feel things you didn’t know existed? 

A new and intense excitement in your life. Butterflies when you know you’re going to see them soon, when they are holding your hand and suddenly give it a squeeze, a kiss on the forehead or a simple look into their eyes. Someone that you think about when you begin your day and the person you can’t help but think about as you snuggle yourself into bed at night. Someone you subconsciously plan future things with. Someone that makes you want more out of life and has sparked something so crazy and incredible inside you that it feels magical. Someone that allows you to dream big, genuinely loves to hear you laugh, and looks into your eyes with admiration when you speak. Someone you are willing to give yourself to fully and completely trust. Someone that only has the best of intentions with your heart. Someone that you have decided to take a chance on because it’s better to have loved hard and chance having your heart broken then to have never allowed yourself to feel any of these things and always wondered. 

This is my reality today. I am so damn grateful.


A season, a reason, a lifetime.

We both swiped right. Conversation was easy. He appeared to be attentive and caring and must have read my tinder profile as he said good morning every single day, I may have mentioned that sorta thing melts my heart. 

According to his profile he had 3 boys, was widowed and his faith was important to him. This seemed like a lot, I was curious, intrigued yet patient. He seemed very eager to meet, I held off for a week. A few days before we met he started telling me about the last few years of his life, I was not prepared for what came next. His youngest was diagnosed with Leukemia (currently in remission for 2 full years) and while he was going through testing and treatments his wife suffered from a stress seizure and was hospitalized. After some unexpected complications his wife passed. This is f@cking tragic. I was in no way prepared for this discussion. I was sitting crying trying to figure out what to say. I just didn’t have words. This poor man. This poor family. That was the love of his life and the children’s mother. 

Fast forward. We met, he was nice, with a kindness in his eyes. A peaceful presence. He told me that he had been a youth pastor for 15 years and is now working on being a life coach in the schools. So without opening a can of worms, I simply told him I was not religious. He said he was okay with that, but I wasn’t exactly convinced. We chatted over coffee for a couple hours about life then he walked me to my car hugged goodbye and I drove home. I remembered thinking that was a great hug. So I text him to let him know I got home okay and mentioned he was a great hugger. We continued to text and he was super persistent. Asking everyday if we could get together. I am a busy girl. Not available like that. I did ask some tough questions in the meantime and we text about religion some more. He mentioned that if after talking with him, if I don’t question my stance, he isn’t doing his job. This appeared to be him sorta saying he thought he could change me. Anyways we made plans to get together again even though I was fairly certain I was not interested. It was a struggle for me as I think he and his family have experienced some incredible tragedies and they have been through a lot and he deserved to have someone great in life and may just deserve and need someone’s time. So we met up for coffee and walked around. Clearly for me there was nothing there. No spark, no interest. He was nice. And decent. During the walk I remembered I was being so very careful trying not to say ‘oh my gawd’. But I say it a lot, and when you are trying not to say something, sometimes you say it 100 x’s more than you ever would have! There was a moment where I was telling some stories about kids and I thought they were funny and he just dead stops and asks if he can hug me. So I say sure and he squeezed me so tight it literally took all of my breath away. I actually couldn’t breathe, my face against his chest and suffocating. It was awkwardly long. Then he said he knew why I didn’t sleep at night and that he thinks I take on the world and I was trying to explain that I’m actually good, he wouldn’t accept that answer, he kept telling me it’s okay and hugged me too tight and awkwardly again, almost like he thought he could squeeze the devil out of me 😉. This continued a few more times. Then there was a moment where he could have dove in for a kiss and I remembered thinking….no, no, please no. And he didn’t. Just 8 awkwardly long and awkwardly tight hugs. Hindsight is 20/20, probably shouldn’t have mentioned the good hug at all. I thanked him and it was like he thought he just saved my life. He mentioned that he got the impression that I wasn’t ever listened to in the past and he prided himself on listening and started rhyming off fun facts about ME that he’s learned over the last couple of weeks. Sort of comical for me. Again he was a nice guy, but just not for me. I am truly sorry for his tragedies in life and I think he’s an incredible human being for who he is, and he does deserve someone great. I am in complete shock with what he’s been through and him having faith in anything at this point is amazing. I met him for a reason. It’s truly been a reminder for me to be thankful and grateful and to really think long and hard before saying I’ve ever experienced a bad day. But all in all that does not mean he was meant for me. He has continued to text, assuming I will be seeing him nightly. I am petering him out carefully. 

And….I’m still looking for my f@ck ya. 


The trucker

Life is strange.

I still believe that everyone comes in your life for a reason, regardless of what that ends up being. Sometimes it just takes a bit to figure it out….and sometimes you never figure it out.

 The trucker.

Recently I swiped right with a trucker, ends up we went to the same high school, but we had never met. We chatted quite a bit and seemed to hit it off. We liked a lot of the same things and had some good conversation, it seemed easy. One night we decided to chat on the phone. We talked for 2 hours, there were a couple of things that didn’t sit well with me. 1) told a story about having VIP passes for a theme park and going on the same ride a bunch of times to piss off a couple who had been waiting for the front – dick move. 2) talked about his driving partner and how her family had invited him for thanksgiving and his first comment was he said yes cause he enjoys a free meal (meh), next he said he’d never go back cause the food was awful…..and he actually told her how awful it was – total dick, who does that? We get off the phone and I’m sitting there thinking…..we could have had a great conversation for 112 minutes BUT here I am stuck on the 8 minutes it took for him to tell those 2 stories and now I can’t seem to get past it. I asked around and I was told, that maybe he was nervous or just talking it up, maybe he wasn’t really a dick, I should give him a chance. Okay fine….so we continue to chat and have plans to meet in a few weeks when he returns from work. It wasn’t an exciting, he gives me butterflies when he texts me but I looked forward to hearing what he had to say. That brings me to a couple weeks back. He texts me and asks, do you like haunted houses? I reply with I do, as long as I have an arm to hold onto and a big guy to hide behind I think they’re great. He responds with, well I’m the type that ‘accidentally’ loses the person I go in with haha leaving them on their own. I think hm. Dick. Then he says do you like scary movies? I respond with much of the same, again an arm to hold on to and someone to protect me. He says…..well I’m sort of a dick. I like to reach out and slap a leg at the scary part and ask if you need a drink. That was it for me. My response was well maybe we should break up before we get together.

Here I was fighting with the fact that I thought he might be a dick and giving him a fair chance just for him to confirm that he was in fact a dick. 

10-4 good buddy ✌️