My Christmas Eve Blizzard


A bit of history. I have a ‘friend’ that I met off a dating site but have never actually met in person. We became Facebook friends but thought we lived too far away from each other to make anything of it. We have known of each other for over 6 months. We have talked about meeting up for a beer or a coffee or something at some point but never solidified anything. It just so happens he lives in the same town as Beach guy. Thankfully they don’t know each other, that I am aware of. 

I sent him a private message one day out of the blue, just babbling on with some thoughts I had about how I think he’s killing it in life these days and just thought he might need to hear it. He wrote back and said it was exactly what he needed that day. We have been chatting quite a bit through messages since and making actual plans. I told him I would make the drive for someone I felt I may have a connection with. A couple weeks back and forth through messages he jokingly mentioned if I did some Christmas baking I should send him some. Soooo I did. I packed up a variety of baked goods and shipped them to him. He received them the next night and messaged me and was really sweet, very surprised and was soooo thankful. It was adorable. A couple nights later he had a few drinks and was headed to bed, we were messaging and I mentioned it was probably a good thing he was headed for bed or I may take advantage of his drunken state and ask him some questions….next message he sent me was his phone number so I called him. We chatted for almost 2hrs. It was great. We set an actual date. After all the hustle and bustle of Christmas is over…we will meet in person. January 8th. Then he asked what I was doing for New Years (how sweet)!!!! But I had to decline as I am headed to New York City to celebrate it with some family and and their friends in the big apple.

Our messages back and forth continued for days leading up to Christmas Eve. I was just packing up from a 1/2 day at work and a message comes across my phone that says what are you doing at 3:30? And do I have time to meet him for a coffee or something? I said yeeees. I make time for things. I can cram everything in!! 

So I went for a planned run with a couple friends and when I was done at 2, I saw a message from him saying that he’s already left, he’s going to be early. Frriiiggg!!! Into the shower, rush is on!! No time to get nervous!!! It was go time!! So he made it for 2:30, I met him at 2:45. I met him off the highway and he came with me in my car, and we headed for ice cream. It has not been our usual Canadian winter, sun was shining, no coats needed it was a beautiful day for a blizzard (from DQ)….besides everything else was closed! It was great and it went by way too quickly. Starting and ending with a tight squeeze. 

He is just the sweetest thing. Driving an hour cause he said he just couldn’t wait another day without meeting me, buying me an ice cream, chatting and then driving back to pick up his kids for Christmas Eve!! 

Completed my most perfect day! 

Convinced this story is to be continued…

Dating, Uncategorized

My big fat Italian funeral part 4: the unplanned aftermath

It seems as though beach guy has a hurt feeling. It’s tough not to take his lashing out at me personally cause I believe he is intentionally saying things to simply hurt my feelings and I hate to admit to it, but it worked. I thought that was a thing we outgrew in our 20’s.

First off, up until this past Monday (3 weeks after the split) he wanted to meet for a friendly lunch, I had declined as I am good at the drawing healthy lines thing. Yesterday he messaged me a ho-hum type of message telling me to enjoy the holidays and my upcoming trip. I responded back with a cheery message thanking him and wishing him all the best of everything.

Last night, after he had a few drinks he started sending me messages about how I’m focused on crossing things off in life and it should be about getting there and loving it. Funny thing is I am one of the most positive people I know, thankful for everything these days. Enjoying my journey is what my life has been about the last year or so and I’m actually really loving life. Anyways he made some comments about what ever helps me sleep at night, and something about how he tossed me on a mountain and I was there as long as I was getting what I needed, then when things got tough, I ran. Something about he loved me and trusted me, but then he learned. All of these things I took very personally, how couldn’t I? My only intention all the way through was to find a healthy relationship for two people. I just wanted to find someone that would treat me like I would treat them and have some things in common, a good old fuck ya connection. In the end, I wasn’t bitter I learned and was thankful. We talked for weeks after, nothing but nice things to each other until last night. I did respond with a recap of the version I had remembered (you know him pushing me away and telling me to run and trade him in) and then I apologized for the way he was feeling. He came back one last time about how he passed his exam, he is the owner of a million dollar company and he doesn’t care about it. He loved and respected me as a person but the truth shows and apparently it was too much pressure on me. By the way him telling me he loved me twice during drunk texts is the very first times he has ever mentioned the L word to me. 

I am even more confident in the break-up. 

But why did I let this get the better of me today? 

Dating, Uncategorized

Learning to love my Edges: A letter to me


All of my imperfections and quirks are the things that make me unique and kickass. Accepting myself and my faults is a tough job, but mandatory in my life journey.
I need to understand and remember my worth, the first step to falling in love with myself is understanding what I am and am not willing to compromise on. Never abandoning myself in the effort to keep someone or something. I need to not regret anything. Mistakes are inevitable in a life worth living. As long as I continue to learn from them, mistakes are important. Mistakes will teach me who I do and do not want to be. It’s apart of my growth. I need to look into the mirror everyday and instead of seeing all the things that could be improved upon, I need to instead look back and see how far I’ve come and what I now have to offer. I need to choose to be brave when stepping out into the world. I need to continue to face my fears challenge myself and push my limits. I need to remember that I am doing the best I can every day. Somedays it’s easier than others and somedays it’s damn near impossible. Whether I am just able to put one foot in front of the other (functioning through the day) or killing everything in sight like a badass…the important part is that I am moving forward. I am human and I own my happiness. It’s my choice every single day. 

I’m not broken, sometimes I’m just bent!


My big fat Italian funeral part 3: Little crushed


Things were good. I was excited to see him, we made plans to have lunch weekly and spent a few nights together when we could arrange them. After a couple weeks, I met him and his kids for dinner and it went well. They are great kids and he was great with them (both are very important). Turns out they liked me too – yay! This was going to make seeing each other a bit easier now that we’ve met each other’s kids. He came to stay at my house a couple times and I hung out with him and his kids for a day and did normal shopping, bowling, lunch and dinner type of stuff. Then he came to spend a weekend at my house, I was exhausted on the Friday night and as we cuddled I fell asleep on him a few times. We woke up Saturday and he drove home to take his youngest to swimming and I had family pictures. We were apart for a few hours and then he came back to spend the night again. We didn’t have any real plans so I threw a few things out there like, movies, dinner, cards….he just kept saying it was up to me. So finally we went and bought cards and then went out for dinner. We ate until we were stuffed, went back to my house where he passed out cold. I let him sleep since he always had trouble sleeping. I ended up watching movies until 4am, then I woke him up and we actually went to bed. We slept in the next day, he felt awful about falling asleep on me so we got up and played cards, had something to eat and he left. I had a weird feeling as he left, normally I would be wondering when we were going to see each other again, but not this time. This time it was okay that we didn’t have plans – maybe because I had a lot to get done for Christmas etc.

Later that night I text and asked if he had a good night at work, and he never responded. Next day I got into work and had a crazy busy, crappy day full of meetings and work, I didn’t get around to texting him and to be honest was a little put off from him not responding at all the night before. 3pm he texts “hey mon, you alive?”, I respond shortly after with “barely”, he says “ok”. At this point I am even more frustrated. I have never responded with barely in the past or anything close to that. My attitude is mostly cheery and rarely negative. I stopped and thought for a second if I were him what would I do or say?? Simple, I would ask if he was okay, if there was anything I could do, I would have reached out to him. Three and half hours goes by and I’m just leaving work, I hear from him again and it reads “1 text from you in 24hrs is unlike you”, I decided at this point to let it go, maybe I just had a rough day at work and didn’t want to make this a bigger deal. So I told him about my work day and how crappy it was and let it all go. At some point during our texting that night he told me that I should trade him in, making a joke about his back hurting and I should trade him in for a younger model. I went to bed with neither of us saying goodnight. The next day, I text my usual good morning, kill your day type of text and he responded with you too. It was a normal day, nothing special between him or I, just usual blah this and that. Again another night with no one saying goodnight to each other. This week appeared to raise more questions in my head about him as it continued. He mentioned at least 5 times during the week that I should trade him in or that I should run. Not texting good morning or good night. And here I am keeping score, you know there’s issues when you’re keeping track of who’s doing what and when, I don’t like it. By Friday he was complete misery, complaining about his ex, telling me he is in a shit rut and just really grumpy telling me he attracts negative people and am I going to listen to him yet (about running away from him), I was having a really hard time staying positive without letting him get the better of me. I finally responded with, you’ve mentioned this a few times this week and eventually I listen. He replied and said it’s not you, it’s me type of stuff, but also in there he was hinting that we wouldn’t see each other and he just wasn’t in a good spot with anything….I just didn’t even know what to say. So took the weekend to think and I said nothing. He had his boys for the weekend so I let him enjoy that with them. By Sunday night he hadn’t text me once and I hadn’t text him. So I decided, I needed to say something. It was clear to me that I don’t mean what I should to him, if I did he would have asked if everything was okay, he would have reached out at some point. Before I wrote to him, I took some time to reflect on the past month and decided I really do deserve someone that will treat me the way I treat them, someone that thinks about me before they go to bed and thinks about me in the morning. I deserve that. So I text and just said, sorry for not responding all weekend and that I took some time to think and he was right about a bunch of things and in the end it appears that I want more than he can offer me. He came back a few times saying he didn’t mean things that way. But he wasn’t fighting for me either. It was everything at that point. So that was it. They say it takes three months to get to know someone and three months seems to be my new limit. Him and I are still friends and he has tried to make plans to meet me for lunch but I’m really good at drawing healthy lines and sticking to what’s good for me these days. He was a good experience and it was fun at times. I can’t say that it was easy walking away as he was someone to spend time with, someone to text and someone to talk to and make plans with, but it also wasn’t the fuck ya that I’m looking for. A tub of ice cream a couple sad movies – I’m good.


My big fat Italian wedding part 2: the haircut break-up

I couldn’t wait to tell beach boy about my date with the bearded man. We exchanged dating stories and he started again asking me to give him another chance. He repeatedly said if he knew that was my first one night stand we would have at least had dinner. He desperately wanted a redo. I said no for 3 weeks….then finally I agreed. We had lunch again. This time it was just the two of us. It was nice. We only had a couple of hours, but we spent it talking and laughing and kissing at every red light. I think I drove an hour to see him next and he made me an amazing dinner and I decided I really liked him. 

The next time I believe he came for the night and rented a hotel room. Within minutes of getting to the hotel room, clothes were off and the date had officially begun. We did manage to have dinner and drinks and went to the fair the next day, but beside all the normal stuff we did IT a lot…in the hotel and the car and couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. It was fun and exactly what I needed. Fun. 

We continued to date and have lunches and spent time cuddling. It’s sounds great right? It was mostly, except I felt like he just wasn’t quite where I was in the life journey part. He spoke about doing things but just didn’t do them. I had been busy training for my first marathon, running in the next month. I sorta felt like here I was crushing the impossible in my life, and for him something as simple as getting his hair cut seemed impossible. He mentioned his ex was a hairdresser so he wanted to go back to her cause there was no one in else really in his town that he trusted to get his hair cut by, I found this odd and told him, but wasn’t opposed to it at all. After a month of get togethers meeting for lunches I decided just before my birthday in October to call it quits. I felt like he was at a stand still and before I started liking him a lot more and wanting more from this than he did, I’d better back off. He had some big ticket items (a house, an insurance exam, job hunting, AND a haircut) that he needed to focus on so I told him we had to part ways and we could remain friends. Guess what?! the very next day he got his damn hair cut! 

For my birthday even though we weren’t together he sent me flowers and chocolates and a bear. And he called me at exactly midnight. He was really sweet to me at times. 

We decided to talk things out and he accused me of having one foot out and kept saying he couldn’t believe that I broke up with him over a haircut. He didn’t understand that was just an example of something small that wasn’t getting done. I really didn’t think me having one foot was true until I spoke with a couple of my friends about it and they confirmed what he had said. So after thinking about this for a while I decided…..it’s time to shit or get off the pot. We decided just before I ran my marathon (which I crushed btw) to give things another chance and post marathon he was going to drive an hour to have a beer with me and some of my close friends and meet my kids. It all went well.

I had decided to jump in with both feet. Time to take a chance on love. Instead of waiting for him to get his things in order, maybe he it’s okay to walk with him on his journey. I believe in loving hard, so that’s exactly what I began to do. 

To be continued…


Lumberjack boy

Even though I kept chatting with sex on the beach guy through text here and there, I was actively continuing to date. 

I had been in coversation with another guy and decided to pursue it. He had 2 boys, he was into hunting a little, had a good job…all the basics. AND he was really nice. Like maybe too nice. We made plans to meet up in a few days, I would go to his town have coffee, walk, whatever…well the few days leading up to the date I was getting a little worried that maybe he was a bit much. For example I said something like I’m giving blood Saturday morning and he immediately text and said I would love to go and give blood with you. I’ll book an appointment with you next time. Another time I had mentioned riding a bike and he said he wants to buy a bike. So I started testing things out….I said I loved a certain flower….guess what? So did he!!! And so on…

So we meet up at a coffee shop, he gives me a bouquet of flowers, I must say I appreciate a little old school dating, like flowers! He had a massive beard and drove a truck, but had the build of a 12 year old boy. I could bench press this lad. No seriously. 

So we grabbed coffee and walked. He paid me a bunch of compliments, maybe too many. It started getting awkward. Anyways, I knew off the hop this wasn’t really going anywhere….so after an hour or so we walked back to the coffee shop hugged and I was off like a prom dress. When I got home I open the card that was tucked into the bouquet and it read: 

It was so nice to meet you, you’re beautiful. 

Maybe I’m just an asshole, but when he wrote that little card, he didn’t know if it would be nice to meet me and he didn’t know if he would think I was beautiful. 




My big fat Italian Wedding – Part 1

I met this guy back in August that I was holding off on writing about until I figured things out with him. I am happy and sad to say that after 3 months we have figured it out.This may take a few posts to get through.
First date! My state of mind going into this first date was a little off, I had exhausted myself with dating and was actually just tired of it altogether. But there was this guy I was talking to online that wanted to drive over an hour to take me out for lunch. I had said no a bunch of times and he kept trying which I give him credit for. Finally I said okay, but only if my friend could come too! Part of me thought he’d run for the hills….he didn’t and he agreed to lunch with both of us. The three of us met up had an awkward hour lunch, he paid for us and we said our goodbyes. I felt bad for asking both of them to engage in my crazy idea. I admit I didn’t think it through, hindsight is 20/20. I decided the next day to give it another shot. I drove to see him. We had some miscommunication around times but nonetheless I arrived at his parents late, left my car there and we went for a drink on a patio. He was cute and charming, but there was a sadness in his eyes. We had a good time, we talked and laughed and decided to take a walk on the beach…it was midnight or so and it was lovely. After a while of walking and bumping arms he stopped and kissed me. It was delicious and perfect. My heart melted a little. He kissed me some more. Before I knew it we were making out in the sand under the stars. Along with the waves hitting the shore we could also hear a couple of voices not too far away. It didn’t really matter, right there in the moment it was just the two of us, hot, passionate, crazy lust. He was going for it and I was saying no, but I wanted to say yes. After less than a minute debate in my head, I remember thinking yolo. And it happened my very first one night stand. In my 36 years, I had never slept with anyone outside of a relationship. A million things raced through my mind. Mostly I laughed though cause what else could I do. We brushed ourselves off headed for the car and instantly he was cold as ice. We headed to pick me up a coffee cause I had a long drive home….we hit the drive through and I paid. We got back to his parents house I jumped in my car and headed for home. The drive was a drive I won’t soon forget. I think I hit every emotion possible. One second I was laughing, next mortified, embarrassed, ashamed, happy, I remember shedding a few tears along the way too. The next day him and I didn’t talk. I was out of town with friends and I had convinced myself I will never see him again. The next day I heard from him and let him know my thoughts. I told him I just needed to have a one night stand (it was a bucket list thing), and we could chat as friends but that’s all. Besides he was only 2 months out of an 8 year relationship, it was the smart thing to do. To be continued…