A tribute to Betty

I will always cherish the many memories I have with my grandma.

Showing up as a kid to her house to find the same toys in the same box to play with during our visit.

Elastic band bundles full of same coloured pencil crayons that grandpa collected from the schools that he worked at.

Grandma sneaking a toonie to me behind her back so no one else could see, making me believe I was the only one.

The routine check of my nails to make sure they were clean and my cuticles were pushed back and sometimes an extra buck if all my moons were showing.

Week long summer vacations, delivering the mail from the truck, drinking warm milk before bed and walks to the store to buy treats.

Life at grandmas house was simple and wholesome.

As I got older our relationship evolved and we became friends and talked more about life. I always knew there was room around her table whether it was to laugh, eat, sip tea or just talk.

She has always been a constant in my life and I promised to always be a constant in hers.

The last few years life got tough for her. And slowly I was losing someone I had always known and getting to know and love someone who was taking her place. She still had her Betty moments which would make me smile and laugh. She could be downright spicy at times. Dementia was hard for her and for us. We had to learn to talk more about things over people. We’d watched videos of migrating butterflies and sometimes when I was brave I’d let her critique my artwork. We would talk about flowers and trees and places (mostly England), we would FaceTime people, take filtered pictures on snap chat, sip tea, eat butter tarts or some fresh hot french fries.

Somethings never changed: she always loved having her hair done and showing it off, she loved her sweets, a hot cup of tea, McDonald’s French fries, a good book, and most of all her family. AND she really disliked sandals and seeing people’s feet.

Grandma taught me that eating from her fresh garden was the best, homemade soups can be made from anything you have laying around, her freezer could hold gallons of homemade applesauce and gifts for her had 3 rules…if you can’t eat it, read it or throw it away…she really didn’t want it.

I am thankful to be able to carry on some of her traditions with my own grandchildren and can only hope that they find joy in some of the things I did spending time with my grandma.

Dear Universe, it may take me a bit to figure things out but I continue to grow. Thank you!❤️

To the mother of his children,

I have been wanting to reach out and drop you a quick note, Mom to Mom. Although a bit hesitant about how, I hope contacting you today through our common grounds is okay.

I know I have only met you a couple of times, yet through spending time with your girls, I feel like I know you. They speak of you often and love you incredibly. I think your girls are great. They are loving, funny and kind, individually unique, yet normal. I’m sure you are very proud of each of them and so you should be. I think you and #%!? are both doing the best you can, putting their needs first. I want you to know that I support you both in your parenting decisions, I do get it and I’m on your side. Parenting is tough, staying on the same page with your ex can be tougher. Sharing time, dividing holidays, making it to concerts, birthdays, soccer games, figuring out schedules, class trips…completely exhausting, yet so rewarding! I am happy that it is important to both of you to be a part of their everything and to be their united support system.

I’m new to this, and actually had never considered what it would be like to have more kids in my life. As I’m sure you are aware, I have been blessed with 2 of my own plus a few others. To be honest, the thought of 3 more considerably younger kids scared me at first, but after getting to know them, I couldn’t imagine my life now without them in it. A co-parenting relationship is very different than what I have been exposed to (unfortunately for my kids), it’s a learning curve for everyone, but I can see how much your girls benefit from it and want you to know I whole heartedly support it. I know it’s probably been a little tough having someone else around your kids, but know I never want you to feel threatened or uncomfortable with the relationships I build with them, I am not their mother and don’t wish to be. As much as I love them, I am careful and will continue to be careful not to overstep my boundaries. I am simply someone who cares for them, because I care for their Dad. 

I am only a small part of their world. You are their caregiver, guide, and example. You are their lifeline, their planner, and the one who tucks them in at night. They are little pieces of you. Even when it is not your night or weekend, you are very much a part of their moments. 

Lastly, I just want to say thank-you for sacrificing some things to give your girls a life with both parents taking part. And thank-you for letting me be a small slice of their big world.

Happy Weekend!

Sincerely, 

Me

Update: Her response to my letter and her openness to having me in her girls lives has not only warmed my heart but is allowing me to trust the process. 

Once I was seven years old….

If I could go back and relive a bit of my childhood…

I’d take more in. I’d pause, breathe, laugh and smile more. I’d spend more time listening, watching and learning from the people around me. 

And what I would give….

to pretend to fall asleep on the couch one more time so that my mom or dad would carry me into bed and tuck me in with a kiss on the head as I tried to keep my giggles quiet so they wouldn’t know I was really awake.

to have more than a handful of kids in my backyard armed with shovels willing to spend the next 6 hours digging to China. 

to be brave enough to walk barefoot for blocks carrying pails of crayfish home after spending an entire day hunting in the little polluted stream just to show my parents how many we caught so they could drive them back down and let them go. 

to say thank you and I love you. More.

I would be more appreciative. I would be braver. I would take more snapshots of life. I would play harder. Laugh louder. And feel more. 

Once I was seven years old…and it was some of the best most unforgettable moments in my life and I’d love to go back to visit.

Saying I love you is the most important thing, isn’t it?

I spent many years ‘in love’ with my ex, as mentioned previously, day after day, putting one foot in front of the other, doing all the things I thought people in good relationships did. Cared for the kids, kept a tidy house, cooked,  went to family gatherings and always said IT, even if we didn’t feel IT, it was important to say at the end of each phone call, before we each left the house and of course special occasions. I actually believed that people wanted what I had. There was one time about 13 years ago when I was with my coworkers on break and we were talking about switching lives with each other and someone beside me said they wanted to trade places with my friend (who was single), and I was shocked….I said out loud, ‘Her? You wanna switch with her?’ and even though it sounded rude, that’s not how I meant it, it’s actually what I was thinking (out loud)…I remember sitting there thinking about that and feeling shocked that no one wanted to switch lives with me and continued to think about that moment for years. It was a somewhat pivotal moment, although it didn’t actually change anything, I just began to think about things a lot more. What I thought was happiness, others didn’t. What I thought was love, wasn’t. I look back and am thankful for that moment. I needed to know that what I had wasn’t at all desirable. 

Love is an action…now I get it.

Love is bigger than you are. You can let it in but cannot determine how, when or where it happens. Love isn’t a substance.

Who would have thought that my nothing more, nothing less valentines date (over a year ago) with an old acquaintance from elementary school, who I attempted to friend zone on the way home would have quickly turned into my fuck yes. He has been the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. He continues to surprise me with his thoughtfulness and on top of that and more importantly has become one my best friends. He makes my belly ache from laughing, he tells me it’s going to be okay, he stands beside me regardless of the choices I make, and he understands that I need time with decisions. I fell in love with him quickly and deeply. I love him hard and I choose him every day. During this past year we have grown both individually and as a couple. Learning about ourselves and each other, sometimes through each other’s eyes. We have exposed our raw unedited versions of ourselves and are continuing to learn how to communicate our thoughts and feelings. Fuck, it hasn’t always been easy, but again I can say that through the tough conversations and a few hurt feelings we have grown closer and our love is bigger than we are. Although we have both felt hurt, it has never been intentional. We have taught each other how we want to be treated and continue to. We both can easily find reasons in each day to smile and we are both accepting and thankful for the rough roads and lessons behind us and look forward to what lies ahead. Life is good. Life is great. Even with the struggles. Love isn’t a substance….it’s all the feels. The feelings that you share with everyone, like the smile on your face. The feelings that no one can see, like the butterflies in your stomach and heart. The freakin’ excitement. Feeling each other’s pain. It’s looking forward to the days together and looking forward more to the nights snuggled up in each other’s spaces.

Why would I even want to?

I believe I’m a mature individual, but dammit I don’t feel like I am when it comes to my boyfriend and his ex’s co-parenting relationship. I am struggling.

Logically, I think to myself they are no longer together for many reasons, they had plenty of opportunity to resolve things and that didn’t happen successfully so they have each moved on. He treats me well and I feel like I come second to his kids, I am very comfortable with that. Him and his ex don’t hang out or go out together without the kids being involved, they are co-parenting that’s exactly why they communicate so much. Lastly, this is the type of man I want beside me in life, cause I wouldn’t date someone that didn’t know how to put his kids first! It all makes perfect sense. So what’s my deal?

The irrational side of me says they text and talk too much….truth is I don’t even know what that means. I couldn’t tell you if it’s 3x’s a day one word each time or 50x’s a day in full paragraphs. Is it solely about the kids? Is there really that much to discuss? I don’t know how it works and what is said and a part of me really doesn’t want to know. I have brought this up and he has asked what I want/need from him to make me feel better and I can’t seem to figure that out, so how could I expect him to? At the funeral of his father I watched as they both sat with their three kids at a table eating sandwiches just as their girls had requested. I remember thinking then, well this is weird and having weird feelings. It went along with his ex being borderline rude and standoffish with me, which I guess is understandable cause that was our first interaction. Was this jealousy I was feeling? Was this just the feeling of something new and different? I wanted to be okay with it and I just wanted to be present and supportive of my boyfriend cause this soooo wasn’t about me, but I am human and it just sat somewhere within me. He thanked me for being so good about it, little did he know I harboured these feelings….ugh. Your welcome? Fuck me. 

History is important…

Yes!! I have trust issues. I spent 20 years with a guy who was never truthful or honest about anything. I always knew things were happening behind my back, but I would never put myself in a situation where I might see it cause that would mean I’d have to do something about it (denial rocks!) It ended up being easier (in some weird way) to close my eyes and create my own happiness and not break my family up. This lasted 20 years. Unfaithful, selfish, unreliable and uninvolved father to his kids and to me. Until the day I accidentally heard it with my own ears and saw it with my own eyes, that was the day my life changed. It was over. It was irreparable. I couldn’t unhear or unsee it. 3 years later I can still remember how that made me feel. He broke me. After that I rebuilt myself, regained some confidence, trusted my gut, and left the past in the past. I would never look back. He remains the unreliable, selfish, uninvolved father which explains why we have little to no communication. I have asked for minimal support in hopes he would step up in other ways. This hasn’t happened. My kids have been ripped off royally. In turn my new relationship has had zero impact due to my ex and our lack of a relationship.

Just my mind….

Why don’t I want to see the girls mom attend everything? Why don’t I want to combine as one big happy family? Why do I think co-parenting is sometimes a good excuse for the parents needs not the kids? Am in need of validation? Do I need to be more patient and more understanding? Maybe my last relationship has scared me? Is this jealously? Would I feel differently about it if my ex and I had to have any sort of relationship? Will I ever feel comfortable? Am I being fair? What if I was invited and didn’t like what I saw? What then? Is this simply a learning curve? Does this just take time? How long will this last? How the fuck do I do this? And why would I even want to try? 

I have always said, they need to figure out their boundaries and relationship and then I get to figure out if it works for me. I can only control what I do and how I act. I don’t have to do this, so why would I even want to?

I only fucking love him with my whole heart. And he’s only the best thing to have happened to me. And we always come out the other side stronger…

God grant me the serenity…

I don’t know how to do this.

I don’t know how to let you grow up without walking beside you, holding your hand.

I don’t know how to let you fall without being right there to catch you, kiss you, and make it all better.

I don’t know how to let you make mistakes, take chances and fuck up without being right there to help fix you.

I don’t know how to just stand back and love you.

Deep down, I think you will be okay. I trust that what I have taught you from 0-19 is instilled somewhere within you. I believe you have morals and standards and self-respect buried beneath the entitlement and selfishness that appears at your 19yr old surface. I know you want a life you can be proud of, I know you have goals and dreams and you want to be surrounded with the people that lift you up and support you and that maybe right now your life isn’t about that and just maybe that’s okay. 

As your mom, I just don’t know how to do this part.

Not hearing from you, seeing your face, hugging you. Not knowing what takes your time.

It feels hard. 

Sleepless. Teary. Worried. Scared. Anxious. Empty. Nervous.

And then in some strange way, proud. 

Have fun. Be safe. Go find yourself. Then let me know that you’re okay. Xx

I deserve this.

It took a while to realize that I deserve this. I had spent the better part of 20 years thinking maybe my expectations were too high and that maybe I deserved exactly what I had (or didn’t have), making everything okay. On paper things were not bad, I had 2 healthy and loving boys that adored me, a roof over our heads, a job that paid the bills, family that I saw on holidays, friends that loved me and were around every corner waiting to get together. The boys and I did what we wanted mostly. At the end of the day I even had a boyfriend that would tell me he loved me. Some would agree that was enough. I remember nights laying in bed wondering why I felt so lonely. A terrible feeling. Someone that was sometimes physically there but never present. Somehow I was lonelier with him. After a while I learned how to be brave and to smile when it hurt. I got so good at it and it worked for years. I just didn’t want to know or hear it anymore, so I stopped asking questions and told myself what I needed to, to sleep at night. Some thought I was a fool. I simply call it survival. 

The day he left was the day I began to grow. I went on dates and started to face my insecurities head on. I made a bucket list of things I wanted, some pretty big ticket items and some simple and achievable, I am happy to say almost 3 years later, I have nailed it. Gaining so much more than a completed bucket list and a dating blog. In the beginning I hoped to simply scratch things off and in the end I realize that I embraced it all and became so grateful for my journey. Who knew letting go would end up being so rewarding. I learned how to forgive myself and others. I learned how to walk away. I did the uncomfortable. I learned how to push through. I started to eat confidence for breakfast. I not only began to love myself but I began to like myself too. I celebrated my life.

My life is exactly how it is suppose to be right now. I am a better me today than I was yesterday and I’ll be even better tomorrow. My life is different. Fulfilling. Better than I have ever imagined it could be. AND on paper things are not bad, I still have 2 healthy and loving young men that adore me, a roof over our heads, a job that pays the bills, family that I see more often than holidays, friends that love me and are still around every corner waiting to get together. The boys and I still do what we want mostly. At the end of the day I even have a boyfriend that not only tells me he loves me he SHOWS me he loves me. He doesn’t make me happy he adds to my already happy life! He fills me up every single day. He is someone that wants to spend his time with me. 

I deserve to trust the love I receive. 

I deserve to get the love I give.

I actually deserve this.

He’s Perfect…

Nine months in…..a healthy, loving and successful relationship! The happiest I have ever felt. The most satisfied and head over heels in love I have ever been. 

He’s handsome, caring, supportive, funny, charming, sensitive, genuine and appreciative. He is reasonable, logical, thoughtful and analyzes the hell out of everything! Much like me! We have so many similarities! Our children, family and friends are most important to us. We love hard. We live simple. We laugh. We talk. We accept our lives as precious gifts.

He IS my fuck yes. 

Is everything perfect?? Yes!!! 

We have loved and lived and we have learned. We both have pasts, suitcases filled to the top. Some really good shit!! Some not so good shit. Some shit buried so deep we aren’t even aware of yet. Our pasts have made us into the people we are today and thankful for all of it. Works in progress. Living each day trying to be better than we were the day before. Trying to understand a little bit more. Being a little more present in life. We each have kids, we have each felt loss, heartbreak, and pain. We have suffered enough, owned our mistakes and we have each had life changing moments that were needed in order to rebuild ourselves and our lives.
What makes our relationship successful is at the end of each day we are standing in each other’s corners wanting nothing but the best for each other. What makes us healthy is talking it out and allowing each other to feel without consequence. What makes us love is simple — it’s the selfless endless desire to see each other happy. 
Are we perfect for everyone? Not a damn chance. We are perfect for each other right now, today and that’s all we need. One day at a time.  

You need to know…

I love you but I don’t care about forever. I want you for as long as I’m meant to have you. I will love you every moment I’m able to because I’ll never pretend that I have forever to. You need to teach me how to love you and I will teach you how to love me. It’s not one conversation, it’s many.

You won’t always come first, but that doesn’t mean you’re not one of the most important people in my life. I don’t believe that our love is about dropping everything for each other; it’s about doing life the best we can, it’s selfless, holding each other up when we need it and maintaining our sanity so we can both be the best versions of ourselves. You deserve the best of me. I don’t want to be your entire life. I want us to have our own time with our children. I want us both to have friends. I want us both to have alone time. I want us to maintain our lives outside one another; a successful merging of two lives isn’t necessary, it’s us coexisting as one.

Talking things out with you isn’t just what it takes to be healthy in love; it’s how I completely fall in love with you each day. It’s how I hope we keep growing parallel to one another through the years. You definitely don’t have to like every part of me to still love who I am. You don’t have to change any given part of me to make me more of who you’d prefer. Accepting what’s real on the surface to become closer to what is true at the core.

I promise that I will not always look the way I look now and neither will you. But your body does more than just look great to me; it holds the person I love. Our interests and habits may change, but the core of us doesn’t. You can tell when someone loves you by two things: the way they look at you when you’re talking and the way they touch you.

I need to Thank you. Thank you for letting me spend a day with you. A night with you. Thank you for sharing important pieces of your life with me. For laughing with me. For holding my hand. For listening to me. For knowing me and still wanting me. For helping me in whatever ways you were meant to. For letting me be there for you. The smallest parts of you are magic to me. The way you fix your hair with your hands, the way you instantly fall into a deep sleep, all the small nameless things that usually go unnoticed are everything to me. 

I hope I’m always a little nervous, even though there’s nobody I’m more comfortable with. I hope I always have butterflies when I hear your name yet calling your name calms me. I hope the things I love most about us last so that our children learn how to love hard. I hope that the look in your eyes or the smile on your face when you are around me means that you see magic in my little things too. Xo