I spent many years ‘in love’ with my ex, as mentioned previously, day after day, putting one foot in front of the other, doing all the things I thought people in good relationships did. Cared for the kids, kept a tidy house, cooked, went to family gatherings and always said IT, even if we didn’t feel IT, it was important to say at the end of each phone call, before we each left the house and of course special occasions. I actually believed that people wanted what I had. There was one time about 13 years ago when I was with my coworkers on break and we were talking about switching lives with each other and someone beside me said they wanted to trade places with my friend (who was single), and I was shocked….I said out loud, ‘Her? You wanna switch with her?’ and even though it sounded rude, that’s not how I meant it, it’s actually what I was thinking (out loud)…I remember sitting there thinking about that and feeling shocked that no one wanted to switch lives with me and continued to think about that moment for years. It was a somewhat pivotal moment, although it didn’t actually change anything, I just began to think about things a lot more. What I thought was happiness, others didn’t. What I thought was love, wasn’t. I look back and am thankful for that moment. I needed to know that what I had wasn’t at all desirable.
Who would have thought that my nothing more, nothing less valentines date (over a year ago) with an old acquaintance from elementary school, who I attempted to friend zone on the way home would have quickly turned into my fuck yes. He has been the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. He continues to surprise me with his thoughtfulness and on top of that and more importantly has become one my best friends. He makes my belly ache from laughing, he tells me it’s going to be okay, he stands beside me regardless of the choices I make, and he understands that I need time with decisions. I fell in love with him quickly and deeply. I love him hard and I choose him every day. During this past year we have grown both individually and as a couple. Learning about ourselves and each other, sometimes through each other’s eyes. We have exposed our raw unedited versions of ourselves and are continuing to learn how to communicate our thoughts and feelings. Fuck, it hasn’t always been easy, but again I can say that through the tough conversations and a few hurt feelings we have grown closer and our love is bigger than we are. Although we have both felt hurt, it has never been intentional. We have taught each other how we want to be treated and continue to. We both can easily find reasons in each day to smile and we are both accepting and thankful for the rough roads and lessons behind us and look forward to what lies ahead. Life is good. Life is great. Even with the struggles. Love isn’t a substance….it’s all the feels. The feelings that you share with everyone, like the smile on your face. The feelings that no one can see, like the butterflies in your stomach and heart. The freakin’ excitement. Feeling each other’s pain. It’s looking forward to the days together and looking forward more to the nights snuggled up in each other’s spaces.