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You need to know…

I love you but I don’t care about forever. I want you for as long as I’m meant to have you. I will love you every moment I’m able to because I’ll never pretend that I have forever to. You need to teach me how to love you and I will teach you how to love me. It’s not one conversation, it’s many.

You won’t always come first, but that doesn’t mean you’re not one of the most important people in my life. I don’t believe that our love is about dropping everything for each other; it’s about doing life the best we can, it’s selfless, holding each other up when we need it and maintaining our sanity so we can both be the best versions of ourselves. You deserve the best of me. I don’t want to be your entire life. I want us to have our own time with our children. I want us both to have friends. I want us both to have alone time. I want us to maintain our lives outside one another; a successful merging of two lives isn’t necessary, it’s us coexisting as one.

Talking things out with you isn’t just what it takes to be healthy in love; it’s how I completely fall in love with you each day. It’s how I hope we keep growing parallel to one another through the years. You definitely don’t have to like every part of me to still love who I am. You don’t have to change any given part of me to make me more of who you’d prefer. Accepting what’s real on the surface to become closer to what is true at the core.

I promise that I will not always look the way I look now and neither will you. But your body does more than just look great to me; it holds the person I love. Our interests and habits may change, but the core of us doesn’t. You can tell when someone loves you by two things: the way they look at you when you’re talking and the way they touch you.

I need to Thank you. Thank you for letting me spend a day with you. A night with you. Thank you for sharing important pieces of your life with me. For laughing with me. For holding my hand. For listening to me. For knowing me and still wanting me. For helping me in whatever ways you were meant to. For letting me be there for you. The smallest parts of you are magic to me. The way you fix your hair with your hands, the way you instantly fall into a deep sleep, all the small nameless things that usually go unnoticed are everything to me. 

I hope I’m always a little nervous, even though there’s nobody I’m more comfortable with. I hope I always have butterflies when I hear your name yet calling your name calms me. I hope the things I love most about us last so that our children learn how to love hard. I hope that the look in your eyes or the smile on your face when you are around me means that you see magic in my little things too. Xo

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My heart is full.

I am more in love today than I was yesterday.

I would expect that after a few months the newness would begin to fade. The anticipation and excitement to see each other may lessen. The want and need to do things for him and him for me and be each other’s everything may begin to dwindle. I would also expect that things start to feel a little routine and comfortable. Instead I am finding that our bond is stronger and deeper and I love him harder. I have never been loved quite like this before AND I have never experienced loving someone like this either. It’s incredibly selfless. I am feeling honored. I am his cheerleader in life and I know he is mine. I want him to have happiness, be successful and experience as much as he can with and without me. I want him to feel his heart beat and I want him to be excited about life. I want him to feel loved and appreciated every single day.

I was asked the other day if I really did like him? I love him. He is the one I’m letting hold my heart with his hands. He’s gently teaching me how to trust and depend on someone.

With moments of confusion, hesitation and even a hurt feeling or two along the way, we have learned how to communicate better. We talk through each of them and in turn the list of things that I adore about him grows. 

 I am excited, learning, happy, growing, experiencing and having the time of my life with someone who fills my heart.

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In a blink. What started out as nothing more, nothing less….has turned into something soooo much more ❤️

After going through a grey area, ensuring that your feelings are mutual and that you are on the same page. Deciding to let your guard down and let him in. Feeling more confident with what you are beginning to have between you. Displays of public affection. Meeting some of his people. Giving a damn. When being with him starts to feel a little like coming home…you are left figuring out the possibilities that lie ahead in your future world. I’m not talking marriage, or moving in, not even going as far as posting a pic of the two of you or updating an online relationship status…but things start to cross your mind. Especially if you have previously been married or have kids. Things can become a little more complicated yet a bit more exciting. You are also responsible for the feelings and little hearts of your creations, not to mention sometimes sparing the feelings of exes, deserved or not, no one likes to intentionally hurt others, so do it nicely. It is important that you own your life.

Is it time to open up your suitcase?

I think, building a meaningful relationship at this point (late thirties), is sort of like each of you having a suitcase full of your life stuff. Some fuller than others, some more complicated than others….let’s face it, you each have a past. You now need to see if you can combine your suitcases and make it all fit. In many ways, starting over (in a sense), can be more complicated, and yet in so many more ways less complicated. For me at this point, there are no games, no bullshit. I feel how I feel. I own who I am. I am established as a person. I have what I have and I am aware of what I don’t. My needs are different. My time is valuable to me and rarely ever wasted. I no longer have dreams of what I want I now have a bucket list, and I scratch things off. I don’t say things, I do things. So as much as my suitcase may contain my past, such as exes, pain, tears, memories, deception and some heartbreak, it is also full of the best of me, my people…my boys, my family, my lifelong friends, my lessons, gratefulness, new life experiences, excitement, acceptance, positivity, a new found confidence, knowledge, honesty, independence, passion, peace and grace. If you are lucky enough (like me) to have found someone who holds a special place in your heart, a person who is willing to open their suitcase to you and let you see all their pieces, pay attention. Be gentle. Be honest and see if it works.

Ps. I am absolutely in love and excited to unpack, repack and fill up my suitcase with this incredible man. He is simply one of the kindest, sweetest, and sexiest men I have ever had the pleasure of sharing my heart with.

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Warning…

 
This statement should be followed by the following warnings;

your heart will skip a beat when his name pops up on your phone.

you will miss him minutes after he leaves you.

a simple thought of him will take your breath right away.

you will find yourself picking up random things just cause you know he likes them.

he won’t ever squeeze you or kiss you too much.

you will think about how he fits into your circle.

you will start to include him in your future plans.

you can’t wait to share your most exciting, saddest, happiest, toughest moments with him first.

you will never get close enough to him. Ever.

he will make you smile stupidly and randomly.

before he leaves, you will find yourself figuring out when you will see him next.

you will genuinely wonder how his day is going.

you will feel proud of his accomplishments and proud of him as a human being.

his hands will soothe you soul.

his words will calm your mind.

you will want him to feel just as good as he makes you feel.

he will be one of your first thoughts and last thoughts of the day.

he will make you want to be a better person. Every day. 

 

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With you beside me

 

With you beside me.

I sleep deeper, my hands are warmer, my head rests easier.

I worry less, my smile is bigger, my coffee taste better.

My pillow is softer, I feel safer, my laugh is louder, my dreams are more desirable.

My world is calmer, my heart beats harder & my whole life is fuller.

With you beside me.

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Gawd I’m grateful…

 
Ever been lucky enough to meet someone that makes you melt from your insides out, someone that makes you feel things you didn’t know existed? 

A new and intense excitement in your life. Butterflies when you know you’re going to see them soon, when they are holding your hand and suddenly give it a squeeze, a kiss on the forehead or a simple look into their eyes. Someone that you think about when you begin your day and the person you can’t help but think about as you snuggle yourself into bed at night. Someone you subconsciously plan future things with. Someone that makes you want more out of life and has sparked something so crazy and incredible inside you that it feels magical. Someone that allows you to dream big, genuinely loves to hear you laugh, and looks into your eyes with admiration when you speak. Someone you are willing to give yourself to fully and completely trust. Someone that only has the best of intentions with your heart. Someone that you have decided to take a chance on because it’s better to have loved hard and chance having your heart broken then to have never allowed yourself to feel any of these things and always wondered. 

This is my reality today. I am so damn grateful.

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A season, a reason, a lifetime.

 
We both swiped right. Conversation was easy. He appeared to be attentive and caring and must have read my tinder profile as he said good morning every single day, I may have mentioned that sorta thing melts my heart. 

According to his profile he had 3 boys, was widowed and his faith was important to him. This seemed like a lot, I was curious, intrigued yet patient. He seemed very eager to meet, I held off for a week. A few days before we met he started telling me about the last few years of his life, I was not prepared for what came next. His youngest was diagnosed with Leukemia (currently in remission for 2 full years) and while he was going through testing and treatments his wife suffered from a stress seizure and was hospitalized. After some unexpected complications his wife passed. This is f@cking tragic. I was in no way prepared for this discussion. I was sitting crying trying to figure out what to say. I just didn’t have words. This poor man. This poor family. That was the love of his life and the children’s mother. 

Fast forward. We met, he was nice, with a kindness in his eyes. A peaceful presence. He told me that he had been a youth pastor for 15 years and is now working on being a life coach in the schools. So without opening a can of worms, I simply told him I was not religious. He said he was okay with that, but I wasn’t exactly convinced. We chatted over coffee for a couple hours about life then he walked me to my car hugged goodbye and I drove home. I remembered thinking that was a great hug. So I text him to let him know I got home okay and mentioned he was a great hugger. We continued to text and he was super persistent. Asking everyday if we could get together. I am a busy girl. Not available like that. I did ask some tough questions in the meantime and we text about religion some more. He mentioned that if after talking with him, if I don’t question my stance, he isn’t doing his job. This appeared to be him sorta saying he thought he could change me. Anyways we made plans to get together again even though I was fairly certain I was not interested. It was a struggle for me as I think he and his family have experienced some incredible tragedies and they have been through a lot and he deserved to have someone great in life and may just deserve and need someone’s time. So we met up for coffee and walked around. Clearly for me there was nothing there. No spark, no interest. He was nice. And decent. During the walk I remembered I was being so very careful trying not to say ‘oh my gawd’. But I say it a lot, and when you are trying not to say something, sometimes you say it 100 x’s more than you ever would have! There was a moment where I was telling some stories about kids and I thought they were funny and he just dead stops and asks if he can hug me. So I say sure and he squeezed me so tight it literally took all of my breath away. I actually couldn’t breathe, my face against his chest and suffocating. It was awkwardly long. Then he said he knew why I didn’t sleep at night and that he thinks I take on the world and I was trying to explain that I’m actually good, he wouldn’t accept that answer, he kept telling me it’s okay and hugged me too tight and awkwardly again, almost like he thought he could squeeze the devil out of me 😉. This continued a few more times. Then there was a moment where he could have dove in for a kiss and I remembered thinking….no, no, please no. And he didn’t. Just 8 awkwardly long and awkwardly tight hugs. Hindsight is 20/20, probably shouldn’t have mentioned the good hug at all. I thanked him and it was like he thought he just saved my life. He mentioned that he got the impression that I wasn’t ever listened to in the past and he prided himself on listening and started rhyming off fun facts about ME that he’s learned over the last couple of weeks. Sort of comical for me. Again he was a nice guy, but just not for me. I am truly sorry for his tragedies in life and I think he’s an incredible human being for who he is, and he does deserve someone great. I am in complete shock with what he’s been through and him having faith in anything at this point is amazing. I met him for a reason. It’s truly been a reminder for me to be thankful and grateful and to really think long and hard before saying I’ve ever experienced a bad day. But all in all that does not mean he was meant for me. He has continued to text, assuming I will be seeing him nightly. I am petering him out carefully. 

And….I’m still looking for my f@ck ya. 

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