You need to know…

I love you but I don’t care about forever. I want you for as long as I’m meant to have you. I will love you every moment I’m able to because I’ll never pretend that I have forever to. You need to teach me how to love you and I will teach you how to love me. It’s not one conversation, it’s many.

You won’t always come first, but that doesn’t mean you’re not one of the most important people in my life. I don’t believe that our love is about dropping everything for each other; it’s about doing life the best we can, it’s selfless, holding each other up when we need it and maintaining our sanity so we can both be the best versions of ourselves. You deserve the best of me. I don’t want to be your entire life. I want us to have our own time with our children. I want us both to have friends. I want us both to have alone time. I want us to maintain our lives outside one another; a successful merging of two lives isn’t necessary, it’s us coexisting as one.

Talking things out with you isn’t just what it takes to be healthy in love; it’s how I completely fall in love with you each day. It’s how I hope we keep growing parallel to one another through the years. You definitely don’t have to like every part of me to still love who I am. You don’t have to change any given part of me to make me more of who you’d prefer. Accepting what’s real on the surface to become closer to what is true at the core.

I promise that I will not always look the way I look now and neither will you. But your body does more than just look great to me; it holds the person I love. Our interests and habits may change, but the core of us doesn’t. You can tell when someone loves you by two things: the way they look at you when you’re talking and the way they touch you.

I need to Thank you. Thank you for letting me spend a day with you. A night with you. Thank you for sharing important pieces of your life with me. For laughing with me. For holding my hand. For listening to me. For knowing me and still wanting me. For helping me in whatever ways you were meant to. For letting me be there for you. The smallest parts of you are magic to me. The way you fix your hair with your hands, the way you instantly fall into a deep sleep, all the small nameless things that usually go unnoticed are everything to me. 

I hope I’m always a little nervous, even though there’s nobody I’m more comfortable with. I hope I always have butterflies when I hear your name yet calling your name calms me. I hope the things I love most about us last so that our children learn how to love hard. I hope that the look in your eyes or the smile on your face when you are around me means that you see magic in my little things too. Xo

My heart is full.

I am more in love today than I was yesterday.

I would expect that after a few months the newness would begin to fade. The anticipation and excitement to see each other may lessen. The want and need to do things for him and him for me and be each other’s everything may begin to dwindle. I would also expect that things start to feel a little routine and comfortable. Instead I am finding that our bond is stronger and deeper and I love him harder. I have never been loved quite like this before AND I have never experienced loving someone like this either. It’s incredibly selfless. I am feeling honored. I am his cheerleader in life and I know he is mine. I want him to have happiness, be successful and experience as much as he can with and without me. I want him to feel his heart beat and I want him to be excited about life. I want him to feel loved and appreciated every single day.

I was asked the other day if I really did like him? I love him. He is the one I’m letting hold my heart with his hands. He’s gently teaching me how to trust and depend on someone.

With moments of confusion, hesitation and even a hurt feeling or two along the way, we have learned how to communicate better. We talk through each of them and in turn the list of things that I adore about him grows. 

 I am excited, learning, happy, growing, experiencing and having the time of my life with someone who fills my heart.

In a blink. What started out as nothing more, nothing less….has turned into something soooo much more ❤️

After going through a grey area, ensuring that your feelings are mutual and that you are on the same page. Deciding to let your guard down and let him in. Feeling more confident with what you are beginning to have between you. Displays of public affection. Meeting some of his people. Giving a damn. When being with him starts to feel a little like coming home…you are left figuring out the possibilities that lie ahead in your future world. I’m not talking marriage, or moving in, not even going as far as posting a pic of the two of you or updating an online relationship status…but things start to cross your mind. Especially if you have previously been married or have kids. Things can become a little more complicated yet a bit more exciting. You are also responsible for the feelings and little hearts of your creations, not to mention sometimes sparing the feelings of exes, deserved or not, no one likes to intentionally hurt others, so do it nicely. It is important that you own your life.

Is it time to open up your suitcase?

I think, building a meaningful relationship at this point (late thirties), is sort of like each of you having a suitcase full of your life stuff. Some fuller than others, some more complicated than others….let’s face it, you each have a past. You now need to see if you can combine your suitcases and make it all fit. In many ways, starting over (in a sense), can be more complicated, and yet in so many more ways less complicated. For me at this point, there are no games, no bullshit. I feel how I feel. I own who I am. I am established as a person. I have what I have and I am aware of what I don’t. My needs are different. My time is valuable to me and rarely ever wasted. I no longer have dreams of what I want I now have a bucket list, and I scratch things off. I don’t say things, I do things. So as much as my suitcase may contain my past, such as exes, pain, tears, memories, deception and some heartbreak, it is also full of the best of me, my people…my boys, my family, my lifelong friends, my lessons, gratefulness, new life experiences, excitement, acceptance, positivity, a new found confidence, knowledge, honesty, independence, passion, peace and grace. If you are lucky enough (like me) to have found someone who holds a special place in your heart, a person who is willing to open their suitcase to you and let you see all their pieces, pay attention. Be gentle. Be honest and see if it works.

Ps. I am absolutely in love and excited to unpack, repack and fill up my suitcase with this incredible man. He is simply one of the kindest, sweetest, and sexiest men I have ever had the pleasure of sharing my heart with.

Warning…

 
This statement should be followed by the following warnings;

your heart will skip a beat when his name pops up on your phone.

you will miss him minutes after he leaves you.

a simple thought of him will take your breath right away.

you will find yourself picking up random things just cause you know he likes them.

he won’t ever squeeze you or kiss you too much.

you will think about how he fits into your circle.

you will start to include him in your future plans.

you can’t wait to share your most exciting, saddest, happiest, toughest moments with him first.

you will never get close enough to him. Ever.

he will make you smile stupidly and randomly.

before he leaves, you will find yourself figuring out when you will see him next.

you will genuinely wonder how his day is going.

you will feel proud of his accomplishments and proud of him as a human being.

his hands will soothe you soul.

his words will calm your mind.

you will want him to feel just as good as he makes you feel.

he will be one of your first thoughts and last thoughts of the day.

he will make you want to be a better person. Every day. 

 

With you beside me

 

With you beside me.

I sleep deeper, my hands are warmer, my head rests easier.

I worry less, my smile is bigger, my coffee taste better.

My pillow is softer, I feel safer, my laugh is louder, my dreams are more desirable.

My world is calmer, my heart beats harder & my whole life is fuller.

With you beside me.

Gawd I’m grateful…

 
Ever been lucky enough to meet someone that makes you melt from your insides out, someone that makes you feel things you didn’t know existed? 

A new and intense excitement in your life. Butterflies when you know you’re going to see them soon, when they are holding your hand and suddenly give it a squeeze, a kiss on the forehead or a simple look into their eyes. Someone that you think about when you begin your day and the person you can’t help but think about as you snuggle yourself into bed at night. Someone you subconsciously plan future things with. Someone that makes you want more out of life and has sparked something so crazy and incredible inside you that it feels magical. Someone that allows you to dream big, genuinely loves to hear you laugh, and looks into your eyes with admiration when you speak. Someone you are willing to give yourself to fully and completely trust. Someone that only has the best of intentions with your heart. Someone that you have decided to take a chance on because it’s better to have loved hard and chance having your heart broken then to have never allowed yourself to feel any of these things and always wondered. 

This is my reality today. I am so damn grateful.

A season, a reason, a lifetime.

 
We both swiped right. Conversation was easy. He appeared to be attentive and caring and must have read my tinder profile as he said good morning every single day, I may have mentioned that sorta thing melts my heart. 

According to his profile he had 3 boys, was widowed and his faith was important to him. This seemed like a lot, I was curious, intrigued yet patient. He seemed very eager to meet, I held off for a week. A few days before we met he started telling me about the last few years of his life, I was not prepared for what came next. His youngest was diagnosed with Leukemia (currently in remission for 2 full years) and while he was going through testing and treatments his wife suffered from a stress seizure and was hospitalized. After some unexpected complications his wife passed. This is f@cking tragic. I was in no way prepared for this discussion. I was sitting crying trying to figure out what to say. I just didn’t have words. This poor man. This poor family. That was the love of his life and the children’s mother. 

Fast forward. We met, he was nice, with a kindness in his eyes. A peaceful presence. He told me that he had been a youth pastor for 15 years and is now working on being a life coach in the schools. So without opening a can of worms, I simply told him I was not religious. He said he was okay with that, but I wasn’t exactly convinced. We chatted over coffee for a couple hours about life then he walked me to my car hugged goodbye and I drove home. I remembered thinking that was a great hug. So I text him to let him know I got home okay and mentioned he was a great hugger. We continued to text and he was super persistent. Asking everyday if we could get together. I am a busy girl. Not available like that. I did ask some tough questions in the meantime and we text about religion some more. He mentioned that if after talking with him, if I don’t question my stance, he isn’t doing his job. This appeared to be him sorta saying he thought he could change me. Anyways we made plans to get together again even though I was fairly certain I was not interested. It was a struggle for me as I think he and his family have experienced some incredible tragedies and they have been through a lot and he deserved to have someone great in life and may just deserve and need someone’s time. So we met up for coffee and walked around. Clearly for me there was nothing there. No spark, no interest. He was nice. And decent. During the walk I remembered I was being so very careful trying not to say ‘oh my gawd’. But I say it a lot, and when you are trying not to say something, sometimes you say it 100 x’s more than you ever would have! There was a moment where I was telling some stories about kids and I thought they were funny and he just dead stops and asks if he can hug me. So I say sure and he squeezed me so tight it literally took all of my breath away. I actually couldn’t breathe, my face against his chest and suffocating. It was awkwardly long. Then he said he knew why I didn’t sleep at night and that he thinks I take on the world and I was trying to explain that I’m actually good, he wouldn’t accept that answer, he kept telling me it’s okay and hugged me too tight and awkwardly again, almost like he thought he could squeeze the devil out of me 😉. This continued a few more times. Then there was a moment where he could have dove in for a kiss and I remembered thinking….no, no, please no. And he didn’t. Just 8 awkwardly long and awkwardly tight hugs. Hindsight is 20/20, probably shouldn’t have mentioned the good hug at all. I thanked him and it was like he thought he just saved my life. He mentioned that he got the impression that I wasn’t ever listened to in the past and he prided himself on listening and started rhyming off fun facts about ME that he’s learned over the last couple of weeks. Sort of comical for me. Again he was a nice guy, but just not for me. I am truly sorry for his tragedies in life and I think he’s an incredible human being for who he is, and he does deserve someone great. I am in complete shock with what he’s been through and him having faith in anything at this point is amazing. I met him for a reason. It’s truly been a reminder for me to be thankful and grateful and to really think long and hard before saying I’ve ever experienced a bad day. But all in all that does not mean he was meant for me. He has continued to text, assuming I will be seeing him nightly. I am petering him out carefully. 

And….I’m still looking for my f@ck ya. 

The trucker

 
Life is strange.

I still believe that everyone comes in your life for a reason, regardless of what that ends up being. Sometimes it just takes a bit to figure it out….and sometimes you never figure it out.

 The trucker.

Recently I swiped right with a trucker, ends up we went to the same high school, but we had never met. We chatted quite a bit and seemed to hit it off. We liked a lot of the same things and had some good conversation, it seemed easy. One night we decided to chat on the phone. We talked for 2 hours, there were a couple of things that didn’t sit well with me. 1) told a story about having VIP passes for a theme park and going on the same ride a bunch of times to piss off a couple who had been waiting for the front – dick move. 2) talked about his driving partner and how her family had invited him for thanksgiving and his first comment was he said yes cause he enjoys a free meal (meh), next he said he’d never go back cause the food was awful…..and he actually told her how awful it was – total dick, who does that? We get off the phone and I’m sitting there thinking…..we could have had a great conversation for 112 minutes BUT here I am stuck on the 8 minutes it took for him to tell those 2 stories and now I can’t seem to get past it. I asked around and I was told, that maybe he was nervous or just talking it up, maybe he wasn’t really a dick, I should give him a chance. Okay fine….so we continue to chat and have plans to meet in a few weeks when he returns from work. It wasn’t an exciting, he gives me butterflies when he texts me but I looked forward to hearing what he had to say. That brings me to a couple weeks back. He texts me and asks, do you like haunted houses? I reply with I do, as long as I have an arm to hold onto and a big guy to hide behind I think they’re great. He responds with, well I’m the type that ‘accidentally’ loses the person I go in with haha leaving them on their own. I think hm. Dick. Then he says do you like scary movies? I respond with much of the same, again an arm to hold on to and someone to protect me. He says…..well I’m sort of a dick. I like to reach out and slap a leg at the scary part and ask if you need a drink. That was it for me. My response was well maybe we should break up before we get together.

Here I was fighting with the fact that I thought he might be a dick and giving him a fair chance just for him to confirm that he was in fact a dick. 

10-4 good buddy ✌️

Beach Guy…

  
Friend zoned beach guy…

Lunch date. I was a little anxious and hesitant yet curious about lunch with beach guy. Have I been able to friend zone him properly? Or will I see him and melt?

We agreed on a time and he was driving in from out of town, he had a meeting and some running around to do but also thought lunch would be a good idea. I left work to meet him in the lobby. He was dressed up and looking great, one thing I have always liked about him. His appearance. He was always well groomed and well put together. We hugged and started walking to this little hole in the wall diner (a well known greasy spoon). I was fine, no melting! We get there and conversation goes as it did previously, easy. We get along just fine when we are together. No sparks though. No butterflies. I did want him to hug me or wanted some sort of human contact but I think I may have also taken that from the homeless man outside, though I always appreciated his hugs. We fought over who was going to pay as now we are friends, 2 bills are fine by me. But he won and he paid. We grabbed coffee and we hugged goodbye on the street corner. The things I liked about him, I still liked, the things I didn’t like, I still really didn’t. For me lunch couldn’t have gone any better, a nice little confirmation ensuring I made the right decision in the end. No sooner do I get back to my desk and I get a text thanking me for meeting him for lunch. An hour later I get a text with a confession from him about how having lunch with me was harder than he thought, a few texts later he mentioned that 98% of our lunch together he spent holding himself back from kissing the crap out of me. 

Since then, we have text back and forth sparatically. Most recently I think he is trying to get to me…he mentioned out of the blue that he was having dinner at a restaurant with no menu. He apparently wanted me to ask questions, so I don’t. I say back, well you’re a smart guy I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Next he says it’s a restaurant an hour away. Again hoping I ask a question, I believe… I respond with, that’s awesome a road trip! Then he says it’s with a guy that he met with the day he saw me, the guy asked him to meet a group of them for dinner and poker. I said awesome road trip and date with the fellas, he responds with, I think I’m better with the ladies. I didn’t respond. I’m not into his weird mental games.

 KissingAMillionFrogs out!

PS. I decided to join Tinder, a road I have not yet travelled….stay tuned.   

This ship has sailed…

  
I gave him an out and he took it. Things were quiet today between my blizzard and I. We started off on the right path….an early good morning from him (not sure why that hooks me and is so important?!), some chatting that followed then dead silence for most of the day. Got me thinking….too much of course. 

Maybe I should give him an out? Let him off the hook. Wait, do I want out? Am I being a chicken? What am I hoping for? 

So I waited until late afternoon, with butterflies….I text and say the countdown until I get to see your face is on, what do you feel like doing? 

His reply was that he is still in bed, (3:30pm) and he was working from home, he was still feeling crappy from the drinks he had the night before. How about junk food, pizza, and a movie? 

I sat on this for a minute and thought, if he was given an out and he took it, I’d rather that then him suffer through hanging out with me. I’m not into making people do things out of obligation. 

So I text back and said if you want to reschedule it’s totally cool, I’d rather see you when you’re 100%, take this down time and enjoy your bed. 

He replied and asked if I was serious and said that he didn’t want to disappoint me. 

And there it is. 

I was nice with my reply and mentioned I wouldn’t be disappointed.

Now here’s the catch. I am totally disappointed and bummed out!! The kind of bummed out where I could drive across town and buy a tub of my favorite Baskin Robbins ice cream and eat the entire thing. Then maybe watch a chick flick, take all the paint off my nails and call it a night. I don’t think it’s HIM as much as it’s the entire bloody process. He peaked my curiosity and was nice and I found him to be interesting, he was someone I had on the back of my mind for a while….but I don’t want or need his wish washiness in my life. I want someone that see’s something they want and they go after it. Show interest and grab ahold. His actions tell me otherwise. 
The last kick to my girly nuts came in the form of a fb post I saw that he posted this evening with a picture of Taco Bell saying he drove an hour tonight to see his mom. 

I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt, maybe she needed him or he needed to see her. After all who am I to judge? I just hope he thought about how it might make someone feel when they see the post after cancelling out on them. Maybe he did and he’s 100% okay with that. In that case, I’m better having not wasted my time going to meet him again.