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A season, a reason, a lifetime.

 
We both swiped right. Conversation was easy. He appeared to be attentive and caring and must have read my tinder profile as he said good morning every single day, I may have mentioned that sorta thing melts my heart. 

According to his profile he had 3 boys, was widowed and his faith was important to him. This seemed like a lot, I was curious, intrigued yet patient. He seemed very eager to meet, I held off for a week. A few days before we met he started telling me about the last few years of his life, I was not prepared for what came next. His youngest was diagnosed with Leukemia (currently in remission for 2 full years) and while he was going through testing and treatments his wife suffered from a stress seizure and was hospitalized. After some unexpected complications his wife passed. This is f@cking tragic. I was in no way prepared for this discussion. I was sitting crying trying to figure out what to say. I just didn’t have words. This poor man. This poor family. That was the love of his life and the children’s mother. 

Fast forward. We met, he was nice, with a kindness in his eyes. A peaceful presence. He told me that he had been a youth pastor for 15 years and is now working on being a life coach in the schools. So without opening a can of worms, I simply told him I was not religious. He said he was okay with that, but I wasn’t exactly convinced. We chatted over coffee for a couple hours about life then he walked me to my car hugged goodbye and I drove home. I remembered thinking that was a great hug. So I text him to let him know I got home okay and mentioned he was a great hugger. We continued to text and he was super persistent. Asking everyday if we could get together. I am a busy girl. Not available like that. I did ask some tough questions in the meantime and we text about religion some more. He mentioned that if after talking with him, if I don’t question my stance, he isn’t doing his job. This appeared to be him sorta saying he thought he could change me. Anyways we made plans to get together again even though I was fairly certain I was not interested. It was a struggle for me as I think he and his family have experienced some incredible tragedies and they have been through a lot and he deserved to have someone great in life and may just deserve and need someone’s time. So we met up for coffee and walked around. Clearly for me there was nothing there. No spark, no interest. He was nice. And decent. During the walk I remembered I was being so very careful trying not to say ‘oh my gawd’. But I say it a lot, and when you are trying not to say something, sometimes you say it 100 x’s more than you ever would have! There was a moment where I was telling some stories about kids and I thought they were funny and he just dead stops and asks if he can hug me. So I say sure and he squeezed me so tight it literally took all of my breath away. I actually couldn’t breathe, my face against his chest and suffocating. It was awkwardly long. Then he said he knew why I didn’t sleep at night and that he thinks I take on the world and I was trying to explain that I’m actually good, he wouldn’t accept that answer, he kept telling me it’s okay and hugged me too tight and awkwardly again, almost like he thought he could squeeze the devil out of me 😉. This continued a few more times. Then there was a moment where he could have dove in for a kiss and I remembered thinking….no, no, please no. And he didn’t. Just 8 awkwardly long and awkwardly tight hugs. Hindsight is 20/20, probably shouldn’t have mentioned the good hug at all. I thanked him and it was like he thought he just saved my life. He mentioned that he got the impression that I wasn’t ever listened to in the past and he prided himself on listening and started rhyming off fun facts about ME that he’s learned over the last couple of weeks. Sort of comical for me. Again he was a nice guy, but just not for me. I am truly sorry for his tragedies in life and I think he’s an incredible human being for who he is, and he does deserve someone great. I am in complete shock with what he’s been through and him having faith in anything at this point is amazing. I met him for a reason. It’s truly been a reminder for me to be thankful and grateful and to really think long and hard before saying I’ve ever experienced a bad day. But all in all that does not mean he was meant for me. He has continued to text, assuming I will be seeing him nightly. I am petering him out carefully. 

And….I’m still looking for my f@ck ya. 

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