Co-parenting, Dating, Parenting, Relationship

Dear Universe, it may take me a bit to figure things out but I continue to grow.  Thank you!❤️

To the mother of his children,

I have been wanting to reach out and drop you a quick note, Mom to Mom. Although a bit hesitant about how, I hope contacting you today through our common grounds is okay.

I know I have only met you a couple of times, yet through spending time with your girls, I feel like I know you. They speak of you often and love you incredibly. I think your girls are great. They are loving, funny and kind, individually unique, yet normal. I’m sure you are very proud of each of them and so you should be. I think you and #%!? are both doing the best you can, putting their needs first. I want you to know that I support you both in your parenting decisions, I do get it and I’m on your side. Parenting is tough, staying on the same page with your ex can be tougher. Sharing time, dividing holidays, making it to concerts, birthdays, soccer games, figuring out schedules, class trips…completely exhausting, yet so rewarding! I am happy that it is important to both of you to be a part of their everything and to be their united support system.

I’m new to this, and actually had never considered what it would be like to have more kids in my life. As I’m sure you are aware, I have been blessed with 2 of my own plus a few others. To be honest, the thought of 3 more considerably younger kids scared me at first, but after getting to know them, I couldn’t imagine my life now without them in it. A co-parenting relationship is very different than what I have been exposed to (unfortunately for my kids), it’s a learning curve for everyone, but I can see how much your girls benefit from it and want you to know I whole heartedly support it. I know it’s probably been a little tough having someone else around your kids, but know I never want you to feel threatened or uncomfortable with the relationships I build with them, I am not their mother and don’t wish to be. As much as I love them, I am careful and will continue to be careful not to overstep my boundaries. I am simply someone who cares for them, because I care for their Dad. 

I am only a small part of their world. You are their caregiver, guide, and example. You are their lifeline, their planner, and the one who tucks them in at night. They are little pieces of you. Even when it is not your night or weekend, you are very much a part of their moments. 

Lastly, I just want to say thank-you for sacrificing some things to give your girls a life with both parents taking part. And thank-you for letting me be a small slice of their big world.

Happy Weekend!

Sincerely, 

Me

Update: Her response to my letter and her openness to having me in her girls lives has not only warmed my heart but is allowing me to trust the process. 

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Dating, Relationship

Love is bigger than you are. You can let it in but cannot determine how, when or where it happens. Love isn’t a substance.

Who would have thought that my nothing more, nothing less valentines date (over a year ago) with an old acquaintance from elementary school, who I attempted to friend zone on the way home would have quickly turned into my fuck yes. He has been the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. He continues to surprise me with his thoughtfulness and on top of that and more importantly has become one my best friends. He makes my belly ache from laughing, he tells me it’s going to be okay, he stands beside me regardless of the choices I make, and he understands that I need time with decisions. I fell in love with him quickly and deeply. I love him hard and I choose him every day. During this past year we have grown both individually and as a couple. Learning about ourselves and each other, sometimes through each other’s eyes. We have exposed our raw unedited versions of ourselves and are continuing to learn how to communicate our thoughts and feelings. Fuck, it hasn’t always been easy, but again I can say that through the tough conversations and a few hurt feelings we have grown closer and our love is bigger than we are. Although we have both felt hurt, it has never been intentional. We have taught each other how we want to be treated and continue to. We both can easily find reasons in each day to smile and we are both accepting and thankful for the rough roads and lessons behind us and look forward to what lies ahead. Life is good. Life is great. Even with the struggles. Love isn’t a substance….it’s all the feels. The feelings that you share with everyone, like the smile on your face. The feelings that no one can see, like the butterflies in your stomach and heart. The freakin’ excitement. Feeling each other’s pain. It’s looking forward to the days together and looking forward more to the nights snuggled up in each other’s spaces.

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Co-parenting, Dating, Relationship

Why would I even want to? 


I believe I’m a mature individual, but dammit I don’t feel like I am when it comes to my boyfriend and his ex’s co-parenting relationship. I am struggling.

Logically, I think to myself they are no longer together for many reasons, they had plenty of opportunity to resolve things and that didn’t happen successfully so they have each moved on. He treats me well and I feel like I come second to his kids, I am very comfortable with that. Him and his ex don’t hang out or go out together without the kids being involved, they are co-parenting that’s exactly why they communicate so much. Lastly, this is the type of man I want beside me in life, cause I wouldn’t date someone that didn’t know how to put his kids first! It all makes perfect sense. So what’s my deal?

The irrational side of me says they text and talk too much….truth is I don’t even know what that means. I couldn’t tell you if it’s 3x’s a day one word each time or 50x’s a day in full paragraphs. Is it solely about the kids? Is there really that much to discuss? I don’t know how it works and what is said and a part of me really doesn’t want to know. I have brought this up and he has asked what I want/need from him to make me feel better and I can’t seem to figure that out, so how could I expect him to? At the funeral of his father I watched as they both sat with their three kids at a table eating sandwiches just as their girls had requested. I remember thinking then, well this is weird and having weird feelings. It went along with his ex being borderline rude and standoffish with me, which I guess is understandable cause that was our first interaction. Was this jealousy I was feeling? Was this just the feeling of something new and different? I wanted to be okay with it and I just wanted to be present and supportive of my boyfriend cause this soooo wasn’t about me, but I am human and it just sat somewhere within me. He thanked me for being so good about it, little did he know I harboured these feelings….ugh. Your welcome? Fuck me

History is important…

Yes!! I have trust issues. I spent 20 years with a guy who was never truthful or honest about anything. I always knew things were happening behind my back, but I would never put myself in a situation where I might see it cause that would mean I’d have to do something about it (denial rocks!) It ended up being easier (in some weird way) to close my eyes and create my own happiness and not break my family up. This lasted 20 years. Unfaithful, selfish, unreliable and uninvolved father to his kids and to me. Until the day I accidentally heard it with my own ears and saw it with my own eyes, that was the day my life changed. It was over. It was irreparable. I couldn’t unhear or unsee it. 3 years later I can still remember how that made me feel. He broke me. After that I rebuilt myself, regained some confidence, trusted my gut, and left the past in the past. I would never look back. He remains the unreliable, selfish, uninvolved father which explains why we have little to no communication. I have asked for minimal support in hopes he would step up in other ways. This hasn’t happened. My kids have been ripped off royally. In turn my new relationship has had zero impact due to my ex and our lack of a relationship.

Just my mind….

Why don’t I want to see the girls mom attend everything? Why don’t I want to combine as one big happy family? Why do I think co-parenting is sometimes a good excuse for the parents needs not the kids? Am in need of validation? Do I need to be more patient and more understanding? Maybe my last relationship has scared me? Is this jealously? Would I feel differently about it if my ex and I had to have any sort of relationship? Will I ever feel comfortable? Am I being fair? What if I was invited and didn’t like what I saw? What then? Is this simply a learning curve? Does this just take time? How long will this last? How the fuck do I do this? And why would I even want to try? 

I have always said, they need to figure out their boundaries and relationship and then I get to figure out if it works for me. I can only control what I do and how I act. I don’t have to do this, so why would I even want to?

I only fucking love him with my whole heart. And he’s only the best thing to have happened to me. And we always come out the other side stronger…

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Dating

Dairy J

 

With faith in the process I go back to  my app and find a message from another guy I’ve nicknamed Dairy J. I don’t think I’m overly attracted to him but I do want to give this whole dating thing a fair chance besides I do believe you can’t always judge a book by it’s cover. I was also curious to know if I need to have some sort of attraction first or if you can gain that in a first date/meeting. We talked a little back and forth through the site. He had 3 girls, sounded dedicated as he coached their sports, he sounded hard working as he helped run his family’s dairy farm and also sounded as though he stayed in shape. We decided to meet at a local coffee shop and again to avoid the weird hello in front of people we met in the parking lot. I knew what he was driving so I parked close to his truck. As he gets out I remember thinking I’m pleasantly surprised, he looks better in person than his online pictures. He was not exactly what I’d call my type, but my type hasn’t worked out in the past so at this point I’m all for changing things up!  We hug and when I look back I remembered thinking he’s a good hugger. He pulled me in tight, strong yet gentle. We went inside and I ordered a coffee and he ordered a hot chocolate. Although I pulled out money he paid. Conversation was a little rough, I looked at my phone to check the time quite a bit, not a good sign especially because every time I checked it I swore it had to have been later than that. I asked a lot of questions and told some stories to break the silence. One thing that struck me as odd as while I was talking he would be looking at me and his face would slowly scrunch up and eyes were squinted, when I stopped talking his face went back to normal. This appeared to be his listening face. This is a first for me. I did not know this was a thing. I needed to know more so I would talk for a few minutes and right when it was all scrunched up I’d pause and take a drink of my coffee, his face would relax and go back to normal. I tested this 3-4 times to make sure this wasn’t me. The last time I almost burst out laughing and I decided I  could not do this anymore. He was nice, but there really was nothing there. I guzzled back the last of my coffee (it had almost been an hour), and we walked out to our vehicles. He turned and hugged me AND if I could stay with someone just for the hug alone I would have picked him. 

He messaged to make sure I got home safely, I thanked him for the coffee and the rest is history…

The process continues…
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Dating

Mexico J OR Beer Goggle J – Date 2

He arrived home from Mexico, did I mention he took this trip alone? No judgement. We continued to text for a few days and we discussed meeting up again. One thing I didn’t want to do was go for beers, I had to keep my mind clear as I was about to make a pretty big decision after this date. Leading up to this we discussed our likes and dislikes, what we were looking for in a partner and our biggest turnoffs. We discussed the importance of friendship first conversation and taking things slow. We also discussed how we both missed cuddling with someone. After much debate we decided to get together and he invited me to his house to watch my favorite show….Survivor! He PVR’d it as he was away when it aired. I did debate going to a complete strangers house for a second date. On one hand I thought he could actually be an axe murderer, this could also end the newness and fun stuff if we are already hanging out and watching tv on date 2. On the other hand there were a bunch of pluses to this…I will find out early how he lives his life, is he messy? Dirty? A hoarder? Too organized? Does he live with his mom? Does he have a pet monkey? More importantly can we just be comfortable watching tv and hanging out together? Does it feel right? 

This time as I’m getting ready I realize that I am in need of a spreadsheet….I can’t remember what I wore on date one. There were a couple of other dates between date 1 & date 2 I’ll get to those another day but that is another reason getting dressed and remembering what I wore and when was a bit of an challenge! I threw on jeans and a shirt, fixed up my hair and make up and navigated my way to his house. Decent neighborhood and a very decent house. It did appear to be newly renovated and being a home owner myself I can appreciate all of it. 
I walked up the steps he opens the door and I think…Ohhh shit he IS older than I thought…AND not as cute as I had remembered but maybe it was his personality that made him cute, maybe it didn’t have anything to do with the beer. He offered me water or beer….I took the damn beer! I also thought it was odd that those were the only choices. I don’t know about you but when I invite someone over that I may like a little or might want to impress I’d make sure there were options. Maybe some munchies too. Conversation was a little rough, I did the majority of the talking again and asking questions mainly about house renovations. After about an hour he started searching for Survivor. The set up was a little odd. The couches faced each other and the TV was on the wall to the side of the couches. If we were each to take a couch and lay down it would be perfect. He asked if I wanted to lean back a little, in my head I pictured sort of sideways leaned into him like a sitting cuddle. As I leaned back into him he shifted quick and BOOM he made me his small spoon. The couch wasn’t really big enough for this and my mind wasn’t really open to all of this but I also didn’t want to be rude and thought maybe this would be okay…so we watched tv, well HE watched tv as I laid there thinking to myself, his dick is on my ass….his dick is on my ass….HIS GAWD DAMN DICK IS ON MY ASS! Now Maybe I’m exaggerating a little he didn’t pull it out or anything but it was there and it was against my ass. His hands were creeping a little on me too. I wasn’t really offended I just kept thinking to myself how the hell did you end up here? Also, my friends are gonna kill me when they hear about this! 
Commercial break, he adjusted himself and appeared like he was getting up for something…..ya he was, he was getting up to stick his tongue down my throat again. We have a little make out session and the show comes back on. He continues with his hands and I can feel myself tensing up. After what felt like the longest survivor show in history….I think to myself, well we made it to the end of the show…as I’m thinking that he rolls on top of me and here we go again. Make out session. This time though it was feeling a little aggressive, he grabbed my hands and held them over my head, sort of pinned at this point. This may be hot on date 238, not date 2. I thought to myself dogs can sense fear, remain calm…don’t get panicked and don’t let him know you are uncomfortable. In hindsight my thought process was all wrong, but in the moment that’s where I was, survival mode. After a few minutes he let go of my hands and turned so that I was now on top of him….PERFECT. I grabbed my phone and said….would you look at that, I’ve gotta go. He stopped me at the door and said he had a great time…and I replied with ya that was an interesting make out session….he interrupted me to say we DID talk first as if to say we had more of a connection. I hopped in my car and backed up sooo quickly I almost hit the neighbour’s car. I could not get out of there quick enough. He text a few times afterwards mentioning to me that in a couple of days he won’t have his kids and I could go back for a cuddle or whatever session……to that I replied nothing. Buh-bye Beer Goggle J…
This is an interesting journey! From this I learned date 2 will never be at someone’s house and that there are a few different definitions of cuddling. 
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Dating

Mr. GoodLife

Mr. GoodLife gave me hope…first off I have nothing but great things to say about this man. He was driven, ambitious, interested and interesting, a great cook, owned a nice & clean house, in good shape, took care of himself, gentle, polite, attentive & had a good career.  

So what’s the problem? 
This was the first time I had accepted dinner at someone’s house. We had spoken a couple of times on the phone and in some weird way I trusted him. I know serial killers are trusted people too…since then I have been talked to at lengths about my gut instinct and murderers, I assure you. 
I bought a new outfit, my hair and make up were on point, I was feeling good. I bought him a book about how to be awesome that I loved, as a thank you for dinner (I’m not a wine drinker, he was and I was at a complete loss and couldn’t show up empty handed). I arrived on time. I handed him the book we hugged he gave me a tour and I was pleasantly surprised as he was a good looking man. He had bought beer that I liked while he drank wine and he had the food all prepped for dinner. We had great conversation and he really went out of his way for perfection. I was not in any way disappointed. Conversation flowed nicely all evening. 
He was previously married and didn’t feel appreciated. They didn’t have kids. He had never dated anyone with kids so I could tell that there were times he was trying to wrap his head around my life. Anyone with kids (especially teenagers) knows that things change all the time. Everything is last minute, they need a ride suddenly, they picked up a shift at work, they don’t feel well or they’re  suddenly about drop dead because they are starving. It’s life. And I had never dated anyone without kids so this was interesting for me as well. He was much more career driven and selfish (not in a bad way, but because he could be).
He expressed at one point that he had thought he had always wanted children of his own.
The evening ended, we hugged he kissed me on the lips and we said goodbye. 
I text him from my drive way to let him know I arrived home safely and thanked him for dinner. 
I took one step into my house and my immediate thought was he wouldn’t survive 10min in my life. I could hear my kids up playing video games, and my house is lived in…unlike his. I enjoy my chaos. It makes me feel alive. As much as I was impressed by the cleanliness and organization of his house, it could’ve been a model home or have an open house scheduled at anytime. Too perfect for me. 
The next day after sleeping on it he sent me a well written (very polite) text saying just that…he thanked me for opening up about life with kids as it helped him realize that he does want children of his own (which I am not interested in) or he does need to find someone without kids, like him. I appreciate the thought process and the truth. 
My lesson here was easy…good people are out there. They do exist. They are real. It happens.
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Dating

Match.wrong

 

Heading out on my FIRST date. Learning how to become comfortable meeting new people. 

The story of a guy I nicknamed Adelaide. After texting through a dating site for a week I took the plunge  and nervously met him for coffee at a local Tim Hortons shop. I put way too much thought into my wardrobe, hair and make up – it was a damn coffee. But aren’t first impressions everything? 

Thankfully it was roll up the rim time as that was his method of payment. At first I thought it was fine that he used his winners to ‘buy’ our coffees but the more I thought about it the more I thought….noooo that is not okay. It would have cost $3.40. I would have gladly paid. Truth is, if you have two roll up the rim winners in your pocket (according to the stats) you have had at least 12 coffees, use them another day. I’d like to say it got better…next he asked for ice in his coffee, crossed his legs, rubbed my leg with his hand, talked about having to go for pedicures in the winter because he has awful looking feet, then his kids in diapers who fight constantly, and to top it all off…told me that the business he owns hits rough patches from time to time and therefore has left him no choice but to borrow money off of his parents. 

Wasn’t a bad experience but some things are better left unsaid.
Remaining positive.

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