Co-parenting, Dating, Relationship

Why would I even want to? 

I believe I’m a mature individual, but dammit I don’t feel like I am when it comes to my boyfriend and his ex’s co-parenting relationship. I am struggling.

Logically, I think to myself they are no longer together for many reasons, they had plenty of opportunity to resolve things and that didn’t happen successfully so they have each moved on. He treats me well and I feel like I come second to his kids, I am very comfortable with that. Him and his ex don’t hang out or go out together without the kids being involved, they are co-parenting that’s exactly why they communicate so much. Lastly, this is the type of man I want beside me in life, cause I wouldn’t date someone that didn’t know how to put his kids first! It all makes perfect sense. So what’s my deal?

The irrational side of me says they text and talk too much….truth is I don’t even know what that means. I couldn’t tell you if it’s 3x’s a day one word each time or 50x’s a day in full paragraphs. Is it solely about the kids? Is there really that much to discuss? I don’t know how it works and what is said and a part of me really doesn’t want to know. I have brought this up and he has asked what I want/need from him to make me feel better and I can’t seem to figure that out, so how could I expect him to? At the funeral of his father I watched as they both sat with their three kids at a table eating sandwiches just as their girls had requested. I remember thinking then, well this is weird and having weird feelings. It went along with his ex being borderline rude and standoffish with me, which I guess is understandable cause that was our first interaction. Was this jealousy I was feeling? Was this just the feeling of something new and different? I wanted to be okay with it and I just wanted to be present and supportive of my boyfriend cause this soooo wasn’t about me, but I am human and it just sat somewhere within me. He thanked me for being so good about it, little did he know I harboured these feelings….ugh. Your welcome? Fuck me

History is important…

Yes!! I have trust issues. I spent 20 years with a guy who was never truthful or honest about anything. I always knew things were happening behind my back, but I would never put myself in a situation where I might see it cause that would mean I’d have to do something about it (denial rocks!) It ended up being easier (in some weird way) to close my eyes and create my own happiness and not break my family up. This lasted 20 years. Unfaithful, selfish, unreliable and uninvolved father to his kids and to me. Until the day I accidentally heard it with my own ears and saw it with my own eyes, that was the day my life changed. It was over. It was irreparable. I couldn’t unhear or unsee it. 3 years later I can still remember how that made me feel. He broke me. After that I rebuilt myself, regained some confidence, trusted my gut, and left the past in the past. I would never look back. He remains the unreliable, selfish, uninvolved father which explains why we have little to no communication. I have asked for minimal support in hopes he would step up in other ways. This hasn’t happened. My kids have been ripped off royally. In turn my new relationship has had zero impact due to my ex and our lack of a relationship.

Just my mind….

Why don’t I want to see the girls mom attend everything? Why don’t I want to combine as one big happy family? Why do I think co-parenting is sometimes a good excuse for the parents needs not the kids? Am in need of validation? Do I need to be more patient and more understanding? Maybe my last relationship has scared me? Is this jealously? Would I feel differently about it if my ex and I had to have any sort of relationship? Will I ever feel comfortable? Am I being fair? What if I was invited and didn’t like what I saw? What then? Is this simply a learning curve? Does this just take time? How long will this last? How the fuck do I do this? And why would I even want to try? 

I have always said, they need to figure out their boundaries and relationship and then I get to figure out if it works for me. I can only control what I do and how I act. I don’t have to do this, so why would I even want to?

I only fucking love him with my whole heart. And he’s only the best thing to have happened to me. And we always come out the other side stronger…