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The trucker

 
Life is strange.

I still believe that everyone comes in your life for a reason, regardless of what that ends up being. Sometimes it just takes a bit to figure it out….and sometimes you never figure it out.

 The trucker.

Recently I swiped right with a trucker, ends up we went to the same high school, but we had never met. We chatted quite a bit and seemed to hit it off. We liked a lot of the same things and had some good conversation, it seemed easy. One night we decided to chat on the phone. We talked for 2 hours, there were a couple of things that didn’t sit well with me. 1) told a story about having VIP passes for a theme park and going on the same ride a bunch of times to piss off a couple who had been waiting for the front – dick move. 2) talked about his driving partner and how her family had invited him for thanksgiving and his first comment was he said yes cause he enjoys a free meal (meh), next he said he’d never go back cause the food was awful…..and he actually told her how awful it was – total dick, who does that? We get off the phone and I’m sitting there thinking…..we could have had a great conversation for 112 minutes BUT here I am stuck on the 8 minutes it took for him to tell those 2 stories and now I can’t seem to get past it. I asked around and I was told, that maybe he was nervous or just talking it up, maybe he wasn’t really a dick, I should give him a chance. Okay fine….so we continue to chat and have plans to meet in a few weeks when he returns from work. It wasn’t an exciting, he gives me butterflies when he texts me but I looked forward to hearing what he had to say. That brings me to a couple weeks back. He texts me and asks, do you like haunted houses? I reply with I do, as long as I have an arm to hold onto and a big guy to hide behind I think they’re great. He responds with, well I’m the type that ‘accidentally’ loses the person I go in with haha leaving them on their own. I think hm. Dick. Then he says do you like scary movies? I respond with much of the same, again an arm to hold on to and someone to protect me. He says…..well I’m sort of a dick. I like to reach out and slap a leg at the scary part and ask if you need a drink. That was it for me. My response was well maybe we should break up before we get together.

Here I was fighting with the fact that I thought he might be a dick and giving him a fair chance just for him to confirm that he was in fact a dick. 

10-4 good buddy ✌️

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Beach Guy…

  
Friend zoned beach guy…

Lunch date. I was a little anxious and hesitant yet curious about lunch with beach guy. Have I been able to friend zone him properly? Or will I see him and melt?

We agreed on a time and he was driving in from out of town, he had a meeting and some running around to do but also thought lunch would be a good idea. I left work to meet him in the lobby. He was dressed up and looking great, one thing I have always liked about him. His appearance. He was always well groomed and well put together. We hugged and started walking to this little hole in the wall diner (a well known greasy spoon). I was fine, no melting! We get there and conversation goes as it did previously, easy. We get along just fine when we are together. No sparks though. No butterflies. I did want him to hug me or wanted some sort of human contact but I think I may have also taken that from the homeless man outside, though I always appreciated his hugs. We fought over who was going to pay as now we are friends, 2 bills are fine by me. But he won and he paid. We grabbed coffee and we hugged goodbye on the street corner. The things I liked about him, I still liked, the things I didn’t like, I still really didn’t. For me lunch couldn’t have gone any better, a nice little confirmation ensuring I made the right decision in the end. No sooner do I get back to my desk and I get a text thanking me for meeting him for lunch. An hour later I get a text with a confession from him about how having lunch with me was harder than he thought, a few texts later he mentioned that 98% of our lunch together he spent holding himself back from kissing the crap out of me. 

Since then, we have text back and forth sparatically. Most recently I think he is trying to get to me…he mentioned out of the blue that he was having dinner at a restaurant with no menu. He apparently wanted me to ask questions, so I don’t. I say back, well you’re a smart guy I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Next he says it’s a restaurant an hour away. Again hoping I ask a question, I believe… I respond with, that’s awesome a road trip! Then he says it’s with a guy that he met with the day he saw me, the guy asked him to meet a group of them for dinner and poker. I said awesome road trip and date with the fellas, he responds with, I think I’m better with the ladies. I didn’t respond. I’m not into his weird mental games.

 KissingAMillionFrogs out!

PS. I decided to join Tinder, a road I have not yet travelled….stay tuned.   

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This ship has sailed…

  
I gave him an out and he took it. Things were quiet today between my blizzard and I. We started off on the right path….an early good morning from him (not sure why that hooks me and is so important?!), some chatting that followed then dead silence for most of the day. Got me thinking….too much of course. 

Maybe I should give him an out? Let him off the hook. Wait, do I want out? Am I being a chicken? What am I hoping for? 

So I waited until late afternoon, with butterflies….I text and say the countdown until I get to see your face is on, what do you feel like doing? 

His reply was that he is still in bed, (3:30pm) and he was working from home, he was still feeling crappy from the drinks he had the night before. How about junk food, pizza, and a movie? 

I sat on this for a minute and thought, if he was given an out and he took it, I’d rather that then him suffer through hanging out with me. I’m not into making people do things out of obligation. 

So I text back and said if you want to reschedule it’s totally cool, I’d rather see you when you’re 100%, take this down time and enjoy your bed. 

He replied and asked if I was serious and said that he didn’t want to disappoint me. 

And there it is. 

I was nice with my reply and mentioned I wouldn’t be disappointed.

Now here’s the catch. I am totally disappointed and bummed out!! The kind of bummed out where I could drive across town and buy a tub of my favorite Baskin Robbins ice cream and eat the entire thing. Then maybe watch a chick flick, take all the paint off my nails and call it a night. I don’t think it’s HIM as much as it’s the entire bloody process. He peaked my curiosity and was nice and I found him to be interesting, he was someone I had on the back of my mind for a while….but I don’t want or need his wish washiness in my life. I want someone that see’s something they want and they go after it. Show interest and grab ahold. His actions tell me otherwise. 
The last kick to my girly nuts came in the form of a fb post I saw that he posted this evening with a picture of Taco Bell saying he drove an hour tonight to see his mom. 

I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt, maybe she needed him or he needed to see her. After all who am I to judge? I just hope he thought about how it might make someone feel when they see the post after cancelling out on them. Maybe he did and he’s 100% okay with that. In that case, I’m better having not wasted my time going to meet him again. 

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Friday’s forecast: appears to be sunny with a good chance of a blizzard.

 
My Christmas blizzard, who is also going to be known as boat guy if this goes any further. There is something completely romantic about sailing which is one of his many and biggest passions. Ahem, anyways, he and I are on for later today (the 8th, as originally planned). We chatted back and forth last night via text flirty and fun. I have a better feeling about things (I think), obviously not confident. I just hope he doesn’t feel obligated in anyway and I hope he wasn’t completely under the influence when we discussed and agreed to hanging out. He did mention having a few beers…although some may argue that it could be liquid courage, he told me that he’s super shy. We asked questions back and forth and when I asked if he thought there was a right time for certain things like a first kiss, sex, etc….he sent me this write up about kisses, I loved it: 

Shut-up and kiss her

…and about sex, he gave this well thought out answer that I had never considered. I like his mind. 

Wish me luck, and hopefully I’ll be writing something exciting Saturday! If not exciting, at least something definitive. 

Ps. I have agreed to having lunch with friend zoned beach guy on Tuesday. I have exactly 1hr away from work to meet him and eat. I believe when it’s over (the relationship) you see a ton of reasons why it would never have worked out and all of a sudden all the things you disliked are like flashing neon lights. It’s a good closure thing. 

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….blizzards, resurrections, New York oh my….

  
Blizzard Update:

My Christmas blizzard and I are still texting back and forth and continued to do so over my vacation in New York. We were suppose to meet for the first time this Friday coming up, but since he already came to meet me, I’m not sure if Friday is still on or what. He hasn’t mentioned it and neither have I. I feel like it’s sorta on and off with him. Feeling not so convinced that this story will continue. Maybe it’s the distance? Maybe it’s busy life? Maybe it was just the holidays? Who knows. 

Update: My big Fat Italian Funeral – Resurrected

So I was waiting to board the plane to New York and thought maybe I’ll creep the beach guy to see what he’s been up to and see how his Christmas was, even though the last couple contacts with him weren’t great. He drunk text me a bunch of crappy things then Christmas day msg’d me through facebook and just said “sorry bout being a douche the other night, hope you and your boys have a good Christmas” to which I simply replied, “you too”. Anyways, I go to look for him and he has unfriended me. I sat and thought about this for about 3 minutes before sending him a message through messenger….I wrote: unfriended me?

He immediately replied which started a much needed conversation. He told me he felt like I betrayed him cause as soon as the relationship part was over I didn’t want to have lunch with him. He doesn’t beg people for friendship etc. What he didn’t understand is that once a relationship is over people need a bit of time to gather thoughts and draw healthy lines for themselves. As much as I wanted to remain friends with him, I also need to do what’s good for my head and heart and what allows me to move forward. He ended up saying he loved me as a friend and he didn’t want to string me along for years without being able to give me what I deserved (that I had already had 20 years of that). AND according to him, what I deserve is someone that I can wake up next to everyday. Lots was said and I started feeling confused. He said I treated him better than anyone ever has. He has had a few lovers in his life but never called any of them his best friend, he put me at another level, he couldn’t get enough of me and that’s what sucked cause he couldn’t be with me every day. He told me he misses me, mentioned having lunch again. I also heard from him throughout my trip…..then I drunk text him on New Years, all I said was, “wish I was kissing your face asshole” the next day I saw his reply telling me to thank the booze cause otherwise he is sure he wouldn’t have heard from me. I was travelling home this past Sunday, he told me he messaged my kid to wish him a Happy New years and was going to offer to pay him $100 to have the house cleaned for me but my son didn’t respond, then said “sometimes I think you forget you are a beautiful smart interesting young woman with a heart of gold”, followed by asking me for an evaluation of how he could’ve made me happier in bed, then telling me he would pick me up from the airport (which is over a 3 hour drive for him), he told me again he missed me and that walking away from me was a very hard choice that he had to make as it’s better for me and a choice I wouldn’t have made for myself. Again I deserve more than he can give me, I am the best person he knows and I motivate the shit out of him. As much as I find myself confused by all of this, I’m not kidding myself, I know deep down this is NOT the fuck yes connection I desire and want. I need a bit of space to put beach guy in the friend zone and keep him there.

New York Update:

Had the time of my life! For New Years we headed to a night club in the meat packing district of Manhattan. Drank myself silly, had dance floor sex with a Brooklyn man for an hour or so followed by a little kiss from a girl, home on the subway at 5am after getting myself some street meat and some desserts. The rest of my trip there was amazing, top 4 – a run in Central Park, Ground Zero, the top of the Empire State Building (much different than Sleepless in Seattle’s version) and of course Times Square. Things I learned…car horns are made for honking, there must be as many cabs as there are people, you never need to know the name of a boy you have dance floor sex with OR the first girl you kissed, I am a foodie, I love and miss Tim Horton’s after all I will always be Canadian. 🙏

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My Christmas Eve Blizzard

 

A bit of history. I have a ‘friend’ that I met off a dating site but have never actually met in person. We became Facebook friends but thought we lived too far away from each other to make anything of it. We have known of each other for over 6 months. We have talked about meeting up for a beer or a coffee or something at some point but never solidified anything. It just so happens he lives in the same town as Beach guy. Thankfully they don’t know each other, that I am aware of. 

I sent him a private message one day out of the blue, just babbling on with some thoughts I had about how I think he’s killing it in life these days and just thought he might need to hear it. He wrote back and said it was exactly what he needed that day. We have been chatting quite a bit through messages since and making actual plans. I told him I would make the drive for someone I felt I may have a connection with. A couple weeks back and forth through messages he jokingly mentioned if I did some Christmas baking I should send him some. Soooo I did. I packed up a variety of baked goods and shipped them to him. He received them the next night and messaged me and was really sweet, very surprised and was soooo thankful. It was adorable. A couple nights later he had a few drinks and was headed to bed, we were messaging and I mentioned it was probably a good thing he was headed for bed or I may take advantage of his drunken state and ask him some questions….next message he sent me was his phone number so I called him. We chatted for almost 2hrs. It was great. We set an actual date. After all the hustle and bustle of Christmas is over…we will meet in person. January 8th. Then he asked what I was doing for New Years (how sweet)!!!! But I had to decline as I am headed to New York City to celebrate it with some family and and their friends in the big apple.

Our messages back and forth continued for days leading up to Christmas Eve. I was just packing up from a 1/2 day at work and a message comes across my phone that says what are you doing at 3:30? And do I have time to meet him for a coffee or something? I said yeeees. I make time for things. I can cram everything in!! 

So I went for a planned run with a couple friends and when I was done at 2, I saw a message from him saying that he’s already left, he’s going to be early. Frriiiggg!!! Into the shower, rush is on!! No time to get nervous!!! It was go time!! So he made it for 2:30, I met him at 2:45. I met him off the highway and he came with me in my car, and we headed for ice cream. It has not been our usual Canadian winter, sun was shining, no coats needed it was a beautiful day for a blizzard (from DQ)….besides everything else was closed! It was great and it went by way too quickly. Starting and ending with a tight squeeze. 

He is just the sweetest thing. Driving an hour cause he said he just couldn’t wait another day without meeting me, buying me an ice cream, chatting and then driving back to pick up his kids for Christmas Eve!! 

Completed my most perfect day! 

Convinced this story is to be continued…
 

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My big fat Italian funeral part 4: the unplanned aftermath

  
It seems as though beach guy has a hurt feeling. It’s tough not to take his lashing out at me personally cause I believe he is intentionally saying things to simply hurt my feelings and I hate to admit to it, but it worked. I thought that was a thing we outgrew in our 20’s.

First off, up until this past Monday (3 weeks after the split) he wanted to meet for a friendly lunch, I had declined as I am good at the drawing healthy lines thing. Yesterday he messaged me a ho-hum type of message telling me to enjoy the holidays and my upcoming trip. I responded back with a cheery message thanking him and wishing him all the best of everything.

Last night, after he had a few drinks he started sending me messages about how I’m focused on crossing things off in life and it should be about getting there and loving it. Funny thing is I am one of the most positive people I know, thankful for everything these days. Enjoying my journey is what my life has been about the last year or so and I’m actually really loving life. Anyways he made some comments about what ever helps me sleep at night, and something about how he tossed me on a mountain and I was there as long as I was getting what I needed, then when things got tough, I ran. Something about he loved me and trusted me, but then he learned. All of these things I took very personally, how couldn’t I? My only intention all the way through was to find a healthy relationship for two people. I just wanted to find someone that would treat me like I would treat them and have some things in common, a good old fuck ya connection. In the end, I wasn’t bitter I learned and was thankful. We talked for weeks after, nothing but nice things to each other until last night. I did respond with a recap of the version I had remembered (you know him pushing me away and telling me to run and trade him in) and then I apologized for the way he was feeling. He came back one last time about how he passed his exam, he is the owner of a million dollar company and he doesn’t care about it. He loved and respected me as a person but the truth shows and apparently it was too much pressure on me. By the way him telling me he loved me twice during drunk texts is the very first times he has ever mentioned the L word to me. 

I am even more confident in the break-up. 

But why did I let this get the better of me today? 

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